Effective Drug Rehabilitation

Help me with this poem for school?
mmkay so i need to add stuff to this poem because i want a good grade. this is it so far. i know it’s terrible, but READ IT ANYWAY…uh…please?

try one
just once
it won’t hurt
one more
one more
to quench the thirst

clasping
swaying
we are one
dancing
on the lip of a fading sun

laughing
flying
having fun
crying
dying
the joy is done

darkness
sealing
me in it’s hate
head is
spinning
but it’s too late

lights are
flashing
lost my sight
pushed in
locked up
the moon shines bright

like a
bullet
through my heart
friends and
families
torn apart

wade through
forests
full of light
serpents
sleeping
hawk falls from flight

was lost
now found
though a wretch i am
back to
normal
shepherd found his lamb

i’m not a poetry person… this is about a girl who caved into peer pressure and took drugs, hauled off to jail/rehab, then was ‘salvationized’ and found peace…or God…or whatever you want :-)
apparently, i’m supposed to use:
elements of poetry
metaphors/similes/personification
effective punctuation (?)
and it has to sound like poetry. at least written by an 8th grader. :-/

stanza 1: they get addicted…and i used repetition
stanza 2: she’s basically high, and ‘we are one’ is a metaphor, i suppose. ‘lip’ is personification, and ‘fading sun’ symbolizes goodness, hope, and freedom fading
stanza 3: the first part is when she’s still high, but then she starts to reach the depression stage.
stanza 4: darkness symbolizes evil, disaster, etc. ‘hate’ is personification.
stanza 5: the police are there (flashing lights) and ‘the moon shines bright’ symbolizes either madness or justice.
stanza 6: she’s being kicked out, disowned. also, i used a simile :-)
stanza 7: she’s in rehab/jail/church(?), recovering. forest symbolizes the difficulties and challenges. light symbolizes goodness and hope. sleeping is death, and serpents is ‘fall from virtue’ or evil, and hawks are danger, i suppose.
stanza 8: lots of alluding. she has found peace/God.