Question by scottsfrog: How do i deal with the pain of betrayal concerning my husband who is in counseling now for sexual addiction?
My husband has been playing around with a co-worker, met a swingers couple and even planned dates with locals for oral sex. Everything came out a month ago and he’s since been in treatment. I have a hard time dealing with the affair with the co-worker and of course all the lies and humiliation, his mental, emotional, and verbal abuse I’v withstood for the last 6 years due to his addiction. I love him and want him to get better, we have a family and a home together and I am doing whatever is necessary to make sure he gets his appointments and keeps up the good work. I just don’t want to feel anymore….I hurt daily and question myself constantly.
Best answer:
Answer by Thyckness
PRAY
Add your own answer in the comments!
Time and love.
Focus on your family and try to think ahead instead of the past.
Are you going to a counselor as well? You should be. I can’t imagine all the hurt and pain you are trying to heal from and you need someone to talk to as much as he does. I know couples can sometimes work through what seem like unsurmountable obstacles and sometimes they just can’t. But unless you are able to talk to someone objective, like your own therapist, it’s not going to be easy for you to sort through your emotions. I am sorry you are having to go through this pain. I’m going through a break up right now and having a therapist is helping as well as coming to sites like this and talking to my friends. Hopefully that will work for you too.
I think that the best thing to do is let him go to his treatments and see if he can get the help. If it seems like is just doesn’t work, then honey, LEAVE. You don’t need that kinda thing. Espeacially if you feel uncomfortable about it. I know you built a home and family together but if one side of the party just isn’t trying to make it work, its never going to work. Keep your head up and have hope.
I am telling you that you need to look out for waht is best for you. HE needs to get his appionments. HE needs to want to change. If you can’t live with the pain HE caused you then you need to leave. This “addiction” class is just a cover for what he wanted to do which was have his cake and eat it to. I can tell you however, that if my husband even so much as acted like he was having an affair, he would be gone faster than you can say alimony. I love him more than life itself, but i know that i could not bear to live with that kind of pin. Not seeing him or anything would help me.
Hi there I think you re a very brave lady if a little nieve. Whatmakes you stay with him ? You cnnot trust him and without trust you have no relationship!!take care dirky
Nothing you did or didn’t do caused this addiction, that’s not just a cliche’ it’s true. You just have to be there emotionally for him. If it helps seperate from him for a while let him know this is going to be a rebuilding period to help you regain trust etc. Start dating all over again find out what it was that made you fall for him in the first place and fall for those things all over again. If he is not willing to go along with those simple requests the screw it. But you should also get yourself in therapy sessions alone and as a couple to help mend these things.
First off, I can’t believe you are still with him! I don’t know if that is a sign of strength or weakness. I understand that it would be VERY hard to leave him and move on, but you can’t live a life of pain either. It’s not fair to you, or your family! It’s great that he’s in treatment (I’m sorry…but this is not a disease) but if he loved you, he wouldv’e kept his d*ck in his pants. If he wanted to try something new sexually, why didn’t he talk to you? You two couldv’e had a 3some or something, at least you wouldv’e been aware of his desires. I guess if you choose to stay with him, just keep your mind and time on your children. They will always be yours and there for you and not betray you. Think of them and that will keep you sane! Try to go to some help group or something, good luck! I wish you the best and hope your heartache will go away!
Not meaning to be “flippant” about your situation, but why are you still with him? Do you want to live like this the rest of your life? If you do, then that’s your choice to make. I, on the other hand, chose not to. Life is TOO short!!
To start with as soon as he completes his treatment you should both consider moving into another city or so.You also need to be able to forgive him.If you believe in prayers i suggest you continually pray for him,his weaknesses and all that you might know about him,it’s a therapy i know works.when you do this whole heartedly the hurt eventually melts away and your healing will take place
Nothing was mention about you seeing a counselor. I strongly advise that you should. In seeing this therapist it will help you through this very difficult time of need. Trust God and pray. And I will be praying for you as well
You’re financing a sinking ship. My husband “suffered” from sexual addiction. He had sex with the babysitter, co-workers, neighbors and “friends”. He told me one woman would never be enough and he never had enough love.
The pain was excruciating. I lost trust in my “friends” and everyone became suspect for future wrong doing. He even had sex on my honeymoon with the next door neighbor.
Counseling didn’t change him. I eventually had enough pain and divorced him. You should do the same while you are young enough to start your life over…Good Luck!…)(
It does hurt a lot I can relate to it. But keep in mind that hes working hard to right the wrong that hes committed, going to counseling, telling you about it was probably the hardest. Hes hurting deep down too. Just be there for him and help him through all of this. Remember that talking about it with him might help also…try to understand why he does this what has lead him to be like this why does he feel the need to do it….talking about it all might help don’t bottle it all inside trust me that makes it worse, but if the two of you talk to each other and are open and honest stick by one anothers side you will get over this. It just happened…the pains not going to go away overnight and you might feel better if you talk to one another maybe couples help or a weekend retreat together!
Frankly, I don’t buy into the whole “sexual addiction” thing.
That’s like saying you’re addicted to food. I think it’s a ‘made up’ condition some psychologists dreamed up to make more fees.
The abuse thing is an entirely different issue. You didn’t elaborate on that element of your situation, so there is no way to comment on it. If he was abusing you, he needs to be in therapy for that. Unless the ‘abuse’ is something that you have built up in your mind over the past month once you discovered his infidelity, in which case, read on.
You have to decide if you can forgive him in the fullest sense of that word, and put the sexual affairs in your past and LEAVE them there, or not. If ‘not’ then no matter what happens, there will be a vast gulf between the two of you that will never be bridged.
I forgave my ex-wife her first two affairs. The third one was the breaking point for me.
I’ll tell you wat, That hurt has got to come out the longer you keep it in the more hurt u may become and may even look down on urself. Honestly most men have a higher sex drive than women and sometimes women dont satisfy the men enough and they dont attract them, could be that she doesnt care about herself. Oh maybe his eyes are just straying or he’s just a dog. Now from wat u r saying he seems to the dog type, threesomes(swinger), looking for people around town for oral sex thats a scary one. Now if it was just his co-worker i’d understand and tell u to work it out b/c believe it or not some guy at your job has probably fancied you before and maybe never made a move on you.
His case is different and if you guys dont have kids together am a man and ill honestly tell you to find an exit route quietly or atleast have a plan in case you decide to go in that direction. Am not saying get a divorce am trying to help you make a good decision.
Love is not always the story behind relationships, people change for the worst sometimes, If u wanna accept his fault then you have got to find a place (somewhere) in your heart and forgive him. God will be your answers. drag him to church, dont force him, but let him know that its the way you can help him and help yourself.
Even if u dont believe in God go there, and seek happiness its a welcoming faith and you will see the change and openess in your heart, because if youre in this sinful world you will think and plan evil against him.
If he doesnt wanna go to church then u make him undersrtand u cannot handle the stress on you own.
Thats all ill say for now, if he doesnt wanna, u go alone and ask God to forgive him and urself. get urself checked in a clinic too.
OK, I wasn’t nearly so bad, but I ended up on some paid web-cam sites a few months back, and my wife discovered (OK, so I was as discrete as an elephant in a china shop, so maybe discovered is too strong a word) and confronted me. I finally fessed up and told her everything. I made arrangements to make it back up to her. That helped on two levels: one, I’m not going to do it again because I don’t want to hurt her and have to make it up again, and two, it serves as a reminder that she was indeed hurt. Sometimes when you want more than your partner does, you can fool yourself into thinking that they’d rather you went somewhere else, but it’s a lie and you know it’s a lie when you tell it to yourself. Still, the reminder is important.
In short, I am glad you’re doing what you can to help him, but it’s not your responsibility to get over it, it’s his responsibility to make it up to you if he can, and to help you trust him again, and to be the one that you can trust. No one ever expects the family of the victim of a drunk driver to pay for his rehab, which is basically what you are and basically what you’re doing. HE needs to realize the amount of grace you’re showing in that (which again, I commend you for) and HE needs to show he appreciates it, and HE needs to show you that he can be trusted.
I suggest talking to him and going with him to his counciling sessions with him. Having a moderator might help. Just don’t let his counceler tell you he’s the victim. You’re the victim.
Question yourself about what? He’s the one who abused you, cheated on you, went behind your back and did things, lied to you, betrayed you. Those are his actions not yours. The only person who can make him better and change him is himself. It’s not your job to remind him of his counseling appointments. He didn’t need you to remind him to go to “appointments” when he hooked up with other people. Personally I’d of left him and made sure I made myself an appointment with a doctor to make sure he didn’t give me some nasty disease and removed myself from that marriage real fast.
I am sorry.:(