Question by sd0728: My husband is lying to his therapist and support group about his sex/drug addictions. What can I do?
I am beyond trying to save the marriage, but am concerned about his role as father to our young child. He has done inappropriate sexual things in front of our son. I’ve already sent him to rehab, and he lied there, too, conning the staff and other patients. Since he was self reporting, there was no accountability.
I know I have the legal grounds/evidence to keep him from our child, and he has in fact blown off all visits over the last two weeks, but I would much rather they have a healthy relationship. Am I dreaming?
I have a good attorney, we have left the home and he has supervised visitation, which he blows off… Sucks for my son, but life is getting a little easier everyday.
We are both (my son and I) in therapy, and I am attending COSA & CODA meetings, but it is so hard to just watch my husband self distruct this way. And any attempt on my part is seen as a brutal attack on his ‘character’.
It is just a sad, sad situation. I pray for him everyday.
Best answer:
Answer by grandeyeglass
In response to your first question, there’s nothing you can do. He’s an adult that is choosing his addiction over his relationship with you and your kids. I’m really sorry that’s the case, but you can’t ‘make’ him do anything and you can’t change his behaviors…only he can do that when he chooses to do it.
I’m sorry to say, in response to your 2nd question, yes…you’re dreaming. It sounds like there’s very little healthy in their relationship. Your childrens’ safety is your #1 responsibility as a parent. Do what is right for them in the long term. I wouldn’t rule out ANY future contact, but I would definitely put clear limits and objectives (like successfully completing psych treatment) on what is expected from your husband before he’s allowed back ‘in.’
I wish you the best as you work through this tough situation.
What do you think? Answer below!
Well, if he can’t be honest in therapy, not sure what might bring him around.
I’d say cut your losses and move on….
i would go and tell them the truth
get your child away from him!!
Yes you are dreaming. If he is lying to himself, he will surely lie to all others around him, including you and your child, Cut your losses and see if he straightens up
That is a tough situation. There is not a lot you can do if an addicted person is in denial as it sounds like he is. He has to hit bottom before he will come around if at all. You have to step aside and let the process run it’s tragic course and pray that he will survive it. That is all you can do. You can’t save him if he doesn’t want to be saved. It is hard I know, but that is all you can do at this point.
Sounds like he is choosing his addiction over his family right now. As much as you might want to have a good relationship you are not the one wrecking things right now. He has made his choice and you get the sad reality of dealing with it. It’s not very fair.
Get yourself and you child into therapy to help you both threw this, it has got to be rougher then heck for you both
Sexual Deviance is a very very hard thing to treat in a professional way. If they lie its even worse. I would get the child away from him immediately! He will cause irreversible damage to that child that may never be fixed later. You should do nothing on behalf of his own accountability but on your own and the child’s, you should get a good Attorney and start by filing in the court system to get sole custody and no visitation or supervised visitation immediately. don’t wait too long or it will be too late to undue any harm that may be done!
It is not going to be possible for your son to have a healthy relationship with your husband, not the way he is now. You have not power to make your husband change. This is completely up to him, and it is clear that he is not yet motivated to deal with his problems. You do have the power to protect your son from a father who behaves inappropriately and apparently isn’t even highly motivated to visit. Perhaps — and this is a big perhaps — if you actually cut off your husband’s visitation, this might be enough to wake him up to the need to change. Until he chooses to change, you should minimize your son’s contact with his father and any visitation should be supervised.
The therapist and support group cannot even legally give you any inclination that he is even a patient there under the HIPA rules so you can’t do much but move on. Honestly, if he has done “sexual things” in front of your son and is an unstable drug addict you need to seek help for yourself to understand why you want him to be anywhere near your son. Sorry, to put it so bluntly, but yeah dream on.