Question by Cinderelle: what was in his mind? Please guide me if I reacted wrong with him ?
my fiancée an addict from 10 years I discovered after our engagement and I went with him to ( N A ) Narcotics Anonymous is an international, community-based association of recovering drug addicts and he’s in recovery and made 5 month now (you can’t all imagine the effort I did with him to pass his first steps) he was doing great and his supervisor was so happy from his result and suddenly he relapsed two days ago and he refused to back again to the (Na) and his supervisor called in the morning to come to his house to convince him to restart again, once he saw me he fall down with non stop crying at after talking to him I told him that he betrayed my trust and he’s the one who choose to leave me not me, and I told him I will ask you one thing before I leave your life, go again to (NA) and start over.
At the end he agree to go with them but he keep crying with holding my hand don’t want me to go away from him.. we all shocked from the way he act as he’s very strong person.
Best answer:
Answer by Buddy B
I am AA, he is feeling guilty, all of your effort is great, but he has to do this for HIMSELF. His higher power is needed now. For me, my higher power is everything that is more important than the drug & alcohol. I love my family, myself, my moral values more than drugs or alcochol. It’s that simple.
Part of my recovery is helping others that still suffer from addiction. I would be happy to help in any way that I can.
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I cant tell you what was in his mind, and i dont think you reacted wrong at all. I think he felt ashamed that you saw him like that, and need you by his side. Give him another chance to prove himself that hes worthy for you!! Drugs are bad!!
My mother was an addict, so I can honestly say your best option is to leave him – it is what’s best for you and for him. When and if he is truly ready to give up whatever he is addicted to, he will need to focus solely on his recovery and not on a relationship. At the same time, there will be highs and lows – possible relapses – that you do not need to be dragged through. You have your life to live, you deserve to be happy and you deserve someone who will be open and honest with you from the beginning. As an addict, he is scared and will say anything to keep you in his life – even if it hurts you and even if it’s the wrong thing for his recovery. You can be supportive – but don’t let his addiction ruin your life
My first reaction to this question was to say that I have two words for you: Narc Anon. That means you need to just go there to “take care of yourself”.
However, it’s not all so simple, is it? In keeping with what I learned by being in AA, along with some NA meetings too, the addict or alcoholic will do EVERYTHING in their power to keep hanging on to whoever and whatever that they think will prolong their ability to use. And that’s whether or not it’s true. They can’t possibly be thinking correctly in just 5 months, especially right after a relapse/slip.
You did exactly the right thing. I think you know that he is not ready for a relationship right now. So, I’d call off the wedding or whatever you are going to have. I’d also distance myself from him as far as a relationship goes, yet still be there for him, with VERY STRONG boundaries. Otherwise you’ll find yourself emmeshed in a very sick relationship. I could guess that it probably already was a rather weird relationship anyway. Very loving, but weird.
And you know that. I speak from experience here. I’m gay, but that really has no bearing here. I just wanted it to not be confusing, as I tell you that I met a nice guy once. But after 6 months I realized that I was insane to stay in a relationship with a man who said that oneday he would end up in AA, but he just wasn’t ready yet. So, one day when talking to him on the phone, I told him that I needed to be in a relationship with someone sober. I told him that I wish it was him, but since he wasn’t, I was going to have to let our relationship go. He cried. He went on a horrible weekend binge, (not that he didn’t drink and drug everyday anyway).
But I sincerely had made the decision to end our relationship. And this is important: I had NO expectation of him getting clean and sober. Well, on the following Sunday and then Monday, he asked me to take him to a meeting. So, I did, still with no expectation of him being able to grasp this new way of a sober life. But he went to meetings everyday, and got a man to be his sponsor who had 26 years of sobriety at the time, prayed everyday to stay sober, read the literature, etc…
I asked him one day after about a month or two if he still had strong cravings. He said “Yes”. I asked him how often. He said, “Everyday, all day long!” That caught me by surprise! Yet, I could NOT allow myself into feeling too sorry for him or try to “make it all better for him”. After all, he had put himself into the situation himself. And ONLY he could get himself out of it.
In the meantime, the best thing I could do was to go about my regular routine of going to my meetings everyday or almost everyday. We didn’t always go to the same ones either due to his work schedule. (amazing he still had a job!)
Anyway, this went on for a while until his cravings went away. And he is still clean and sober after almost 4 years. But during his early months in recovery I started going to Al Anon, which in a nutshell taught me this: Mind my own business and take care of myself, while allowing him to make his own mistakes and follow his path of recovery. And it works!
We have a great relationship, and his recovery is progressing just fine now. Not the way I would have planned it out. But I’ve learned that it’s not necessary for me to plan HIS recovery. He’s doing just fine without me managing his recovery. I use to try to tell him that he wasn’t going to enough meetings or hanging around people in recovery enough.
Well, I quit doing that, quit trying to control his life, and our relationship is wonderful now. It never was bad, but we would get into arguments when I tried to manage his life. I thought I was right because I was only trying to keep him from making any mistakes that might cause him to slip. But that doesn’t help things at all.
And lo and behold! He’s now going to more meetings, socializing a lot more with people in recovery, doing service work, etc…. And all I had to do was be patient.
There is also a clear understanding that if either of us ever relpapses then we will have to look at the situation, and we might have to separate. If he relapses on drugs, I have no doubt in my mind that we won’t be living together for a long time. But after anyone is clean for a while, a slip or relapse isn’t just some isolated “event”, it’s a process that started long before the actual relapse. Most people don’t know this, but it’s always true.
If you need to correspond to me about this further, just reply and I’ll send my email address to you. Dave