Question by Valeria Fountain: I DESPERATELY NEED Marriage Advice for two young people…please respect my honesty…?
Here is my outpouring. Please don’t just answer with get a divorce, or get counseling because I need more than that. I met my husband in June 2008. He worked in the mall in the store across from mine. We were both 23. I was instantly (as was he) sexually attracted and exchanged numbers. The next day, we hung out and watched a movie and made out and he pressured me for sex but I said no. He smoked cigarettes and drank alcohol but knew I was straight-edge. We talked off and on, I flaked on him a few times and we ended up not talking again until maybe late late June 2008. He ended up getting arrested July 11 2008 and I was the first person he called. I instantly felt my heart break–there was something in him I needed and I truly cared about him. He was in jail for almost 3 months and we wrote eachother EVERY DAY. I visited him 2 days a week and would just sit outside the jail window when he didn’t have visits because I knew he could see me. He got out September 24th, and we (through the course of our letters and phone calls) became INSEPERABLE. He asked me to marry him and I said yes. We were married September 27th. When he got out, he said he wanted to change his life. No more smoking, drinking, he was continuing to stay off meth (he’d been clean for 9 months at the time) and now…we’re 7 months married, I’m 7 months pregnant, he’s smoking now, drinking alcohol, disappearing EVERY weekend and will NOT tell me where he is. He has relapsed with meth one time. I am not a saint in this. Because of my distrust, I look up his phone records, I go through his phone, even text strange numbers that he’s called late at night asking who it is. He lies about what friends’ house he’s going to be at, he tells me he’ll (for example) be home at 11pm on friday night and doesn’t come home until SUNDAY MORNING. I do not think he is cheating–he has my name tattooed on his neck and his wedding ring line is tanned on his hand. He swears he lives in the movie 8 Mile. He wants to be a rapper (he’s white…) so he (after he decided to FINALLY be honest about where he goes every weekend) goes and raps with his homeboys. He says he lies because he knows I’ll hate his friends but I tell him–I didn’t marry a rapper. I married a guy who was just as clingy as me. Not an alcohol drinking, smoking, lying, idiot that would leave me alone every weekend while I’m at home, 7 months pregnant. We have sex every couple of days and when I confronted him with my need to have sex daily (at the onset of marriage, we had sex three or four times a day) he says he’s cool. The truth came out when we argued in the car two nights ago: he told me to get in the backseat of his car and he was taking me to get some food at Sonic while he freestyled and drove with a 32 oz. Miller Highlife in his lap. I begged him not to drive drinking with me (and our unborn son) in the car plus he’s on probation so…but when we left Sonic and were sitting in a parking lot, I told him I wanted to sit in the passenger seat up front. So I got out and he started in on me because he thinks he doesn’t satisfy me sexually (which I NEVER said..just that we don’t do it enough.) and I said no, we don’t have sex at all. So he drove off and I was in this parking lot barefoot at 11pm. I didn’t know what to do–he sped over to me really quick and screamed out the window he was going to bring back 4 or 5 black guys to f**k (me) good and then drove to the gas station nearby and stopped a guy presumably asking if he wanted to have sex with me. I started to walk to the grocery store to use the phone to call his sister and he came back and asked the grocery cart kid if he wanted to **** his wife’s loose sl*tty p*ssy. Eventually, he told me to get back in the car and we came home and laid in bed. I got so mad I started talking so filthy to him and crying asking him how he could call his wife and the mother of his child a slut and comment on my body like he did and he said it was true. LONG STORY SHORT: my husband and I have physically fought once before, we are constantly emotionally abusing each other, but at the same time, he’ll come home with my name tattooed on his neck and I feel sick thinking of him not in my or our son’s life. How can I stop being so controlling and is my controlling behavior leading him to act like this? What can we do…? We aren’t trailer trash hicks but I swear I feel like it sometimes.
Best answer:
Answer by Fatima Campbell
That’s some serious stuff! But what I have to say is if a man(your husband) will treat you and embarrass you like that, he doesn’t care for you. Not saying he doesn’t love you but if he cared he would want to protect you and not leave you in harms way(with no shoes, outside). He made a private, which could have been avoided, argument public and inviting random people into y’all business. Yes he really needs to work on his drug problems, because that is not something you should want your child to be raised up around
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Steve Wilkos show.
ditch the dude and grow up, then find a real man.
you married a boy. You need therapy. You must think very less of yourself to marry this dude.
Sorry dear but counseling is advised. So is drug rehab.
meth is THE most dangerous drug around and he runs about a 10% chance of beating an addiction to it.
And, why do you specify that he would bring 4 or 5 BLACK men to screw you. What does race have to do with anything in that situation?
You both are in serious need of mental health counseling. Sorry, but there is no quick fix to this disaster.
I know you do not want to hear this.. but a divorce is your best option.. he doesnt repect you or your unborn child with his behavior.. that should be enough for you to leave honey.. best of luck to you..
You need to move on, he is not good for you. He is back to drinking and doing drugs and you don’t need this nor need this around your baby. Plus he is going around disrespecting you by asking strange people to have sex with you. I fear that he will have guys come home with him or send them over and rape you. You need to leave and go someplace safe.
Call his family and say you want to do an intervention for him because you are worried for him. this is the best option to help him get better b4 the baby comes. talk to his family
you have no self respect, and he in turn doesn’t respect you either. if you get sick thinking of him not in your sons life, just wait until his abusive nature begins to take part in your childs’ life. You are both in a abusive relationship and until one of you brings it to an end it will continue. Sounds like you are the most sane one in the relationship right now. Don’t you think you owe it to your son to meet his father when he is clean and reasponsible for his actions? Being pregnant isn’t the ideal situation to be in at the moment but think about what is best for everyones future. I know men that have changed their bad behavior for all the right reasons, lets hope your husband is one of those?
The problem with asking that your answers not include “just get divorced” says a lot about your understanding of the marriage and what is right and wrong. Where you think there is a chance and assume much of the blame for the marital problems is you, the simple fact remains; your husband is on drugs (meth or alcohol no difference), continuing to believe he’s not is a matter of you keeping your head in the sand as you don’t really want to face the truth.
Your insistence on believing in him is nothing short allowing your heart to lead your conscious, when you should be looking out for the welfare of yourself and the person you are about to bring into this world. Since the relationship has deteriorated there is no doubt about your direction which includes; finding the strength and courage to do the right thing!
Your husband acting out they way he did in the last argument you described is nothing short of abuse, and with out a doubt the abuse will get worse if you continue to enable it, and your enabling will eventually lead to a problem you don’t even want to think about. A small example would be: What if he acted out towards your new baby the way he did to you on the street? Know this: Raising children is much more stressful than a marital relationship.
Although it will always be up to you, I think the best thing you can do at this point is to tell him to get help with the drugs (AA) would be a start, along with letting him know that bad behavior will no longer be tolerated. If he is unwilling to make those simple small steps to improve his, yours and the baby’s life I think you should give up on him and make a new life for you and your child.