Question by Jeliza Rose: How can I stop crying when I see my father?
Alright here is the problem.. please read carefully-
My father was never there for me and I feel like we’re both miles apart. I don’t think he knows how much the pain effected me when he walked out on my mother, and then years later, started a new family. I feel guitly, and not good enough.. I mean, he got married 2 years after he walked out on me, my brother and my mother and even had 3 kids with this women. [Whom he met when he was selling meth]. I don’t know if drugs played apart of my parents divorce or not but I do know that he was always there for me and my brother financially but not physically.. he never bought me or my brother a Christmas present or even a birthday card.
I know that worst things happen to people who do not deserve it.. I was only 2 when he walked out but I remember it like it was yesterday. The movie plays over and over in my head all the time.
He’s got 5 kids.. I’m the only girl, so I guess that girls are more emotional but it does bother me alot.. and I think I need counseling, but I cannot afford counseling.
I work at a grocery store. My father recently visited me at my job, and obvisously had a new girlfriend on his arm.. this girl was ugly.. all he said was “Hi.” I just stared at him like he was stupid.. he bought her a rose, and chocolates. HE BOUGHT HER A ROSE AND CHOCOLATES BUT HE NEVER BOUGHT ME OR MY BROTHER ANYTHING.. ANYTHING IN MY LIFE. I hope that skank gets fat.
Yeah, I admitt.. it does bother me.. it bothers me alot.. all of his girlfriends are junkies, and are on drugs.. I’m a decent person. I’m not like them. I work. I drive a nice car and live with my boyfriend. But when is enough, really enough? I think the only woman good enough for him was my mother, but his brain is on drugs and he can’t function like a normal person can.
Do you think he realizes how much this is hurting me.. do you think he even cares?
How can I learn to deal with the probablems he caused? Like, everytime I see him or hear him, I just want to cry.. he never cared about anyone but hisself.. Although he knows me and my boyfriends house number, he never calls.. he only called once asking for 0.. but he’ll never get any money from me or my boyfriend. I don’t care what he wanted to spend that on.. drugs or not.. he’s not getting a penny from us as he does not deserve it. I don’t know what to do.
I just want to move on from my past, and move on my father.. but how can I do that? I tryed keeping a journal.. but that doesn’t help any. I talk to my boyfriend [soon to be fiance] about my troubles and horrors with my father, but he’s always tired because of his job and doesn’t feel like talking about it with me. I talked with my mother, but she just tells me to “let it go.”
How can I move on? Please help.
Thank you.
Have a nice day.
Best answer:
Answer by Greenstar
My friend’s parents were worse than that but he always said people told him to let it go…and he said it didn’t work that way. So don’t think you can just let it go and forget it instantly. It’ll take a long time for you to get over it, but I doubt you’ll get over it completely. Just remember that God has a plan for you…and nothing is out of his control. Hope I helped! =)
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Best thing to get over the past is to either to confront it or talk about it. I never got the chance to confront the bullies at school before I moved. Even today I’m still scared and paranoid of the same type of people as the bullies were ready to jump out of know where call me names and beating me up. But I’m a lot better now, now that I’ve talked it out with my boyfriend and best friend. Even if I told the same story twice they were happy enough to listen and let me cry on your shoulder.
Now is you chance to confront your past! Make a plan with your farther to talk over at your boyfriends house (with your boyfriend near by or with you for support) and tell your farther how you feel and how you wish he was there for you. I’m sure he does love you in a way you don’t understand. A lot of people have a weird way of showing they’re love to other people. Probably his way of being there for you financially was his way of showing he loved you guys.
I disagree with Melissa – do NOT try to confront or talk to your dad – it sounds like he can’t hold a rational thought in his head, and this meeting will result in huge disappointment.
It sounds like you are in a lot of pain, and I am sorry you have had to go through all that. I know that you want a certain kind of dad in your life, to show interest in you, to talk to you, etc. but it may not happen. :( I’m sorry. And no, I don’t think he realizes how much this is hurting you. He may not care about your feelings, which is terrible, and no one should have to go through that. I don’t think he’s capable of thinking about another person’s feelings. He doesn’t sound like a considerate person at all. If he’s involved in drugs, chances are, he himself had a rough childhood and this is his way of dealing with it. It’s not right, it’s not an excuse, but I think all this has very little to do with you, and everything to do with him and how he’s chose to deal with his problems. Considering everything you’ve been through, you’re doing really well and you should be proud of that.
What if you stopped thinking, “Is this enough for him?” What would happen? Try it.
It’s possible to find low or no-cost counselling; it may take a little digging. Try 211.ca if you’re in Canada to start finding some resources. Can you find a higher-paying job that will help you with the cost of therapy?
In the meantime, read. Read lots. A good place to start is: Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1258776410&sr=1-1 Get a library card – it’s free.
Also, have a look at this advice column, about how to deal with destructive parents (mothers, in this case). http://www.salon.com/mwt/col/tenn/2009/11/01/detachment_from_mother/index.html?source=rss&aim=/mwt/col/tenn The situations aren’t exactly the same as yours, but maybe you’ll be able to find some parallels. I hope this helps.
OK first I will address the pain, guilt, and feelings of not being good enough.
The relationship you have with your dad is the way it is because HE made it that way through HIS bad choices. You didn’t cause it, you can’t change it, and the past has passed.
As for what you deserved, well I believe that every child deserves a loving home with both parents there and nothing but joy. Unfortunately we don’t get to choose our parents, and sadder still is that you got one of the bad ones for a father.
I don’t think your father really appreciates the hurt he has brought down on the people he got close to, and the way he infected their lives. If he did understand what he was doing, then he would have done something to change his life, but from what you stated here, he is just doing the same old same old, and leaving more damage in his wake as he moves along.
A large part of what I believe is hurting you is your expectations of your father. You seem to expect something from him that he has never delivered in the past, and judging from what he is doing today never will live up to your expectations in the future. The best cure for that is to quite simply stop expecting anything from him.
Further to that, if he weren’t your father, would he really be the kind of character you would want to associate with? You criticize him for not calling you on the phone, but when he does it’s only because he is asking for money. Is this really a man you would want to receive a gift from?
If you are sad and want to cry everytime you hear his voice, then why do you want him to call?
Now there’s one more thing I want to mention. I just can’t let it slip. You said your mother was the only woman good enough for him. Are you kidding? What have you got against your mother anyway!?
No, the only women who are good enough for a man like your father are the junkies, and crack hoe’s he associates with now.
Your mother is TOO GOOD FOR HIM. OK?
You say you can’t afford therapy, but I wonder if you can afford not to have it. Even if you went once a month, it would be better than what is going on now. Either that or surround yourself with more supportive people.
You could try “Self Matters” by Dr Phil. It’s a book that guides you through therapy in a do-it-yourself kind of way. But it takes a great deal of self discipline to do the work outlined in the book, and considering the target audience this book is intended for. I see it as equvilant to giving a do-it-yourself carpentry book to a person with no arms or legs.
The thing is, you are a daughter of a tragically failed father.
You crave his attention even though his attention is nothing but poison for you.
Although your mom’s advice to let it go is spot on. It’s far easier said than done.
Yes you are in pain, but at the same time you are a well adjusted responsible woman who has a job, a home, and a relationship with a man of your choice.
You can count your blessings, and try to cope.
But seeing a councellor would go a long way to resolving some of these unfinished issues with your father, and ease your pain just a bit.
You can NOT reason with a druggie, don’t even try. For you to move on you must remember that ALL he cares about it drugs. Nurture your relationship with you boyfriend and mother and don’t even think of him as a member of you family because he isn’t. Your mothers advice to let it go is very wise. It will take time but you can do it. Create the kind of life you want and remember to never treat your family the way he treated yours.