Question by Sharrow: Has counseling actually stopped your husband’s/wife’s drinking addiction?
My husband of 7 years (2 kids) and I get in arguments all the time, because i catch him lying and drinking behind my back. Yesterday, after i suspected him drunk(and he lied about it repeatedly) I checked the car and sure enough he has 3 vodka bottles in there. He finally said that he would go to AA. He knows he’s an alcoholic, (his dad is also) and he knows he has a problem.
So my ? is… Should we spend the money and time on counseling? Does it actually work? Has it actually cured any alcoholics (and liers), or is it all just wishful thinking? Should I pack my bags n go?
Best answer:
Answer by Christie Brucks
i would not put myself through counseling with this man. obviously, he’s not ready. you need to leave him, if his behavior is hurting you or your family.
he’s the only one who can stop, and you are not responsible for his behavior.
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No
Counselling would be for a few different reasons.
For you, it would help YOU to cope with HIS addicition. Get over some of your anger and mistrust, etc. The counselor will try to get YOU to view things differently. It will give YOU a place to go to vent/investigate your feelings when he fails.
For your husband, it will get at the bottom of why he is self-medicating, and try to change his worldview so that he understands that he has to FACE his probems, not hide from them. And give him suport when he tries and fails (he will most likely fail a few times before he succeeds in stopping drinking).
Counselling helps but does not “cure”.
i am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I was also married to an alcoholic for close to 10 yrs and have 2 children, my youngest is special needs. I have said I would rather it have been another woman because I could compete with that, but I could never compete with the 18 pack of beer and his recliner. I had left him several times over the course of our relationship because of his drinking and total lack of intimacy and his lying, but I finally had to draw the line when I caught him for the I don’t even know how many times, driving with our kids in the car and a beer in his lap! At this point I realized I did not love him enough to live one more day that way. We did try counseling together, but it did not work. We have been seperated for 6 mos. and I am so much happier now, but that may not be the case for you. It all depends on how much you are willing to take and how strong is he. Also, my husband came from a long line of alcholics on both sides of his family. Addiction is a real disease, but the person has to not only love their family enough, they have to love themselves enough.
Good Luck to you and your children …..
The addiction never goes away but with the proper use of a sobriety program one can stop ” practicing ”
The catch is that he has to want to stop , not just you wanting it.
Sorry dear, pack your bags and go.
I suppose it depends on the strength of the marriage and how much love exists. If there are other troubling issues beyond drinking, then it may be in the best interest to move on.
However, I know several alcoholics who have been sober for a long time and are caring, loving people with a genuine respect for their addiction. It’s not easy, but people can be successful.
If you had an addiction, would you want his help? Or would you rather he just leave.
last week I was driving down a country road adjusting my Nav system and crossed a yellow line and quickly corrected myself but went over the white line to overcompensate. 10 seconds later a state cop pulled me over and I got my first breathalyzer.
I rarely drink and drive, and thank God I wasn’t that day.
Bottom line is this…it’s only a matter of time before something happens to your husband.
If he will not seek help, then leave him
First, look at this study:
http://www.niaaa.nih.gov/NewsEvents/NewsReleases/Recovery.htm
As you will see, people DO recover from alcoholism. They do it all the time, sometimes with treatment and sometimes without it. As a former (some call this “recovering” or “recovered”) alcoholic, my observation of myself and others is that the critical factor is motivation: i.e. the person has to want to quit.
This does not mean that people necessarily start out on their recovery path being gung-ho to quit drinking. I did, but believe me when I tell you that lots of people are mighty ambivalent at the start, even those who are successful. The key is that at some point they become motivated. Possibly this is why the most effective interventions for alcoholism focus on motivation. (Note that AA and 12 step facilitation are way down on the list):
http://www.behaviortherapy.com/whatworks.htm