Question by Shar B: So, is my marriage basically over?
My husband just grabbed his car keys and headed out the door, slamming it behind him. We are at an impasse regarding his 36 year old son. He’s been at our home for 2 months when it was supposed to be 2 weeks to come and clean up the garage mess he left from his last stay. The son is addicted to meth and alcohol. (FYI) Last week the son left me a written message that said “Stay out! B****! Meaning, stay out of his room. When he would leave the house for any length of time I would go into his room and turn off the electricity, t.v. and fan. I found a liter bottle of his urine in his room and brought that to my husband’s attention. He told his son he better not find another bottle. Son still hasn’t cleaned the garage and left this morning heading up north to attend his son’s birthday party. His father asked him what he planned on doing about the garage cleanup? He replied that he’d do it when he got back. I told my husband that we needed to talk. Husband didn’t want to hear it but I insisted. I told him how unhappy I was about the lengthy stay, the non cleanup of the garage, and the threats his son has made to me and my cats who are fearful of him now and won’t come into our house. My husband responded with, “Fine! I’ll tell my son he can’t come back because my wife doesn’t like him!” I told my husband that his response hurt me and that my issues had nothing to do with not liking his son but rather with not liking his behavior. My husband then grabbed his keys, left for work, slamming the door behind him. I just found another liter bottle of urine in his son’s room. I’ve tried talking, pleading, crying, separating, and marriage counseling, all to no avail. Though I love my husband and want our marriage to work, I realize that it takes two people to make a marriage work and one can’t be doing most of it or they will break. The son doesn’t work even though my husband put him through vocational school last year. My husband says his son is just a poor kid down on his luck. I say hes’s a grown man with an addiction and an enabler for a father. As long as he keeps enabling his son the son will never get off of drugs and become a productive member of society. I have been experiencing extreme emotional and mental stress from all of this. Some say I should stay and just bear with it. Others say I should leave. I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to scream! I’ve prayed till my knees hurt. Are there any answers for me out there? Do I stay or do I go? Is this marriage over???
Best answer:
Answer by Dan Thom
Hahaha, oh yeaaa…
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You husband is in denial of not only a serious substance abuse issue, but mental issues as well. he is enabling the kid. Tough love works best, and since the kid is getting the opposite, he won’t change. Why should he? He is getting a free ride. Tell your husband that if the son isn’t out in two weeks, they will both be out of the house, and stick to your guns. I don’t see any way your husband will change, and this situation, and your marriage, isn’t going to work out, sorry to say. You can file for divorce and hopefully they both have to leave. Stay strong and good luck.
well it time you tell the husband this . it going to be me are he goes. for like you said he on drugs so the thing is if he get busted at your home guess who be sitting in jail with him. too by him doing this he could go off an kill you an your man ,
first off your husband is trying to make you the bad guy. Don’t let that happen.
Everything you said is true about the son and your husband, its time to give teh husband a deadline, tell him if the son is not in rehab or out of the house by (pick your date) you are leaving. Tell him you will not live with some who disrespects you. (that would be both husband and his son). if the deadline date passes leave..
Your marriage is not over but it is on life support and needs lots of work on his part.
I would like you to find a open meeting for Narcotics Anonymous and attend. When you attend be honest about why you are there and ask if anyone can give you the guidance to deal with this. They will agree that your husband is an enabler, and should be able to give you some words for thought. Your marriage isn’t over, but if you husband doesn’t wake up and smell the coffee his sons life might be and your house could burn down.
Before making any decisions as serious as divorce, you should go see a counselor, they can give you better advice than anyone on yahoo answers can :)
Maybe for the time being, you should separate, because getting away from this situation is going to clear your mind as well as his and give both of you an opportunity to think about things.
I didn’t catch where you said that you went to counseling and it didn’t work. Well, counseling is something you have to make work. If you separate for a short time and come back that isn’t going to work either. YOu have to bite down and separate for A LONG TIME until you see that this man is willing to change , if he is not then it is no longer your problem it sounds to me like he would rather take his son over you.
I could not live in your situation. If it was me, I would give an ultimatum and stick to it. The son goes, or you go. Love is not worth this kind of trauma. I seriously support what Bob and Kat said.
Listen my parents are going through the same thing. My brother is a heroin addict. My dad babied him let him steal all my parents stuff my brother is 26 almost 27. He didn’t pay rent didn’t clean had 2 months of laundry piled up. He fights with my parents and is even violent. My dad was in denial that his son is a drug addict. My mom saw it all for what it is. He needed help. It took my dad finding my brother oding on the kitchen floor for my dad to see what my brother is up against. My dad called 911 and my brother spent 14 days in jail and is charged with a class b felony for heroin possession. My parents refused to bail him my brother struck up a deal with the judge to be released until his trial. If my dad hadn’t called the police my mom was planning on moving in with me. She honestly stayed to long IMO.
Anyways what I suggest you do is sit your husband down. Tell him how much you love and respect him but that his son can no longer be there. Not because you do not like him but because he is a drug addict and you are frightened by him. Explain to your husband that his son is an adult and is responsible for himself. You have put alot into your marriage and do not want this to end it because it is unfair to you both for your marriage to end because his son is an addict. Suggest that your husband offers him help with rehab. If your husbands response is the same or similar than I say leave. Show him he can not do this to you because his son is a junkie. As long as you allow them to walk all over you nothing will get done.You do not deserve this because you are not the drug addict and neither is your husband. If it gets worse and you know he has drugs in your home inside his room call the police tell them he has drugs in his room and he will be arrested for possession and then get a restraining order. Do not let him to run you out of your home. Or seek counseling for your husband regarding his enabling of his drug addict son.
Your husband has no idea how much he is enabling his son to continue to be an addict and menace to society. If you havent already, tell you husband that he is one of the reasons his son is still an addict and by not demanding more respect for you and your home, and by not demanding that he get clean and sober, he is just hurting his son and may as well go and buy meth and liquor for him.
I don’t know if this is a reason to end your marriage. But I do think that you need a change of scenery for a while. Would you be able to take a week and go somewhere to relax like to visit a friend or family member? Sometimes just getting away from the stress can help refocus you on the important things.
You can probably look at this one of two ways. Either this is a problem with your husband or this is a problem with his son. And either way you would benefit from a vacation.
But if you can not get away, then try at least to treat yourself well and do the things that you find enjoyable. Try to decide to forget the issues with your husband and his son and leave them to their own devices for your own sanity. If you can just learn to say “I don’t care” when you think about it, and go do something else and get on with your day, that may help you cope. Obviously wont solve the problem but at least you won’t go crazy.
If you love your husband and you think you have a good life together, then don’t leave, just let your husband be a jerk and be nice to yourself.
I’m in a marriage now where my wife paints me as a giant soul crushing ogre and I am the kindest, most patient man I know how to be. So I am doing the same. Good luck, and go have some fun to forget about crap for a while.
If you cannot take the abuse anymore, the only thing that will make you happy is if you leave. Your husband is not being supportive. You love your husband, but he is blind. Good luck Shar.