Question by Make heads turn: Do you think it’s selfish not to want any additional drama in your life?
In the past 4 years I’ve been through a lot of emotional turmoil in my life, but I rose above it. I now have a great career, I live in a very nice neighborhood, have a new car,have an awesome apartment, and a very loving boyfriend. However, a friend of mines is a serious alcoholic. He has been for 15 years, but has hit rock bottom due to the economy. He has burned a lot of bridges to the point where his own family and childhood friends don’t even want to be bothered with him. My patience has been wearing thin with him. He’s now got two different women pregnant and he has no source of income. I’ve loaned him money and let him spend several nights at my place before. A couple of days ago he asked me could he live with me for a couple of months till he gets on feet. I said hell no. There are sooooooooooo many alcohol and narcotic recovery homes he can go to and stay there rent free for at least 4 months. Plus they provide food and even clothing. However, when I suggested this he told me to go phuck myself. I told him to never ever call me again. I worked too hard for anybody ruin what I accomplished.
Best answer:
Answer by Thomas the Menace
you did right
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No dear, you certainly are not selfish. In fact you have already done to much and enabled him by giving him money and allowing him to stay with you, but that’s water under the bridge now. Try not to do this again..The best you can do for him now, if and when he returns and chances are he may one last time and will be very apologetic, is tell him you can drive him to detox or the hospital or a shelter, or have the addresses ready to give to him, should he decline a drive…He has not hit his rock bottom either, or he would be in a rehab or detox….Right now he is just desperate for a fix, so be careful as well….Make the next time, if you see him, the last time but detach in love and respect so you won’t feel guilty should something happen to him, and it is coming for him, sorry to say. Since he has been a long time friend you can if you so choose to, tell him if and when he sobers up and has recovery for at least a year or more, then and only then will you allow him back into your life on your terms….I am also really sorry you have to go through this, especially with a friend, and because of addiction, but this is usually the case when one has a problem with this. Remember also if you can that he has a terminal disease and that it was the disease that said those things to you, not him, however he is still responsible for his actions as well…I also just went through this with one of my best friends of 20 years because of alcohol….I am also a recovered alcoholic myself, so I do know a little of what this is about and what you may be going through emotionally…Take care of your self and hopefully one day God willing, he will live long enough to return, sober.
You’re not being selfish at all and you certainly shouldn’t feel bad about protecting yourself. Your friend is sick in a way that you cannot help him unless he truly wants to help himself and sober up. Alcoholics are extremely selfish people and tend not to understand the toll it takes on the people around them. I don’t know why, but they have serious issues with entitlement and believe things are owed to them. They really tend to think their situation is somehow unique in that no one else has it as bad as they do so they deserve special treatment.
If you let him move in, it’s just a matter of time before he’s asking for more money or other stuff. He’s not going to think about what you’ve done for him, he’s only going to concentrate on what he wants that you WON’T give him. Most alcoholics I know (myself included) blame others for their problems without even realizing it. I used to get furious at people for not giving me money. There was something wrong with my thought process in that I didn’t think about the reasons I was broke in the first place. I couldn’t see the bigger picture and saw it as ‘THEY are keeping me broke by choosing to not give me money’.
No matter what you do, it won’t be enough for him. You need to draw the line somewhere or he will take you down with him. You can offer your support if he ACTIVELY tries to get sober. You can make phone calls for him, drive him places, etc. but don’t give him anything else.