Question by 22butterfly22: Boyfriend of 4 years throwing me through a roller coster, please help!?
So here is the scenario:
10 months ago my boyfriend (24 years old) and I (24 years old) broke up because he cheated on me and he decided to stay with that girl. We reconnected 4 months later and have been together ever since.
Things were great in the first few months, he was changing the way he used to be (he used to flake on me, accuse me of cheating and be verbally abusive). I haven’t been happier with him or loved him more. This month is the sixth month of being together and all of sudden things are starting to change.
Last weekend he flaked on me to go to his friends, left me at his house until 1 in the morning. Of course he had a huge apology and a excuse. I forgave him because he promised he wasn’t gonna be that person anymore, he said he just slipped. Okay fine. But this weekend it all changed again.
Friday he freaked out because I didn’t want to take him to narcotics anonymous meeting (he is a recovering drug and alcohol user). The plan was to just go to the movies with his friends, but all of a sudden he wants to go to a meeting. I fully support his recovery and always have, but I just wasn’t in the mood. The issue is that he has no car and no license so I have to take him everywhere.
Anyways, once I said I was set on not going he flipped out. He told me how I never want to hang out with his friends (totally untrue) and that it’s really hard to be with me (I give him rides everywhere, have helped him out more than anyone ever has and love him so much). I was shocked that he would react like this over not getting his way. And then it got worse he told me he wants to break up. Hours later though it turned out to just be a threat, but my trust and respect for him totally disappeared. I forgave him later the next day.
During the next day we kept distance from each other, but he said we would hang out and do whatever I wanted. Well that never happened because he went with his friends and didn’t call me till 9:15pm. Then he was inviting me over to his friends house where I thought the plan was just gonna be me and him. That turned into a huge fight because he flips out within seconds over nothing.
So I come over to his house and he gets into my car. The minute he sits down he says, “why does you car smell different, what is that weird smell??” And he sits there and sniffs around like a dog for like a minute. He was implying that I may have had a guy in my car even though he didn’t say it. I was mortified and just sickened. I have never ever cheated on him and for him to even have the audacity to do that was horrible.
I couldn’t speak to him the whole night, I didn’t even want him touching me. He tried to apologize and told me the reason he did that was because since he was being such a bad boyfriend lately, he thought maybe I would go find another guy. I can’t stand it.
All I keep thinking is I need to break up with him, but we have broken up so many times and each time I have come back. I mean I even came back when he cheated, so what’s the point in ending it. I just can’t seem to leave. Please help me, I really have no one to talk to about this right now.
Thank you so much for even reading.
Best answer:
Answer by Sunny
Just because you always go back doesn’t mean you always will. I know it feels like you’re throwing four years away, but sometimes it’s better to just end it. Although he was able to change long enough to win you back, it’s pretty clear that he isn’t going to stay changed. You have to decide whether you want to continue things the way they are or if you’d rather be with someone that doesn’t need to change in the first place.
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Look you have your hole life ahead of you. GET OUT!!!! You will find some that will love. And yes what he is doing is not love.
wow, you are a saint,this guy shoudld be kissing your but..sounds like he doesn’t apreciate you..Listen your way to young in life to be dealing with all this BS, if you where married that would be different. but if I was your brother and started dating a girl wwith no job, no license and use to be a drug addict..Would you be telling me to continue that relationship at 22 years of age…Please go take a break from men, go to church for a while and seek god,..then maybe find another guy to be with
You need to leave him. He has put you on this emotional roller coaster to keep you in your place in his cycle.
You are better off being single.. and enjoying life.. then being with this d**k who is just treating you badly.
You deserve so much more than this person is giving you my friend. You sound like one of the sweetest and kindest people ever, and he is treating you like you’re worth nothing. Just because you have taken him back so many times doesn’t mean that you have to this time hun, and that is something that you need to think long and hard about. What happened last time he acted like this? He was cheating and that is something that he will do again… it’s all a matter of time, if he’s not there already. He’s right about one thing though, he is being a bad boyfriend and you should be with someone else.
A relationship is not supposed to make you feel ok about life 100% of the time, but it should lift you up and encourage you waayyy more than it hurts you, and this is something that is not happening in this relationship. My advice… it’s about time to leave my friend. You deserve so much more! I’m available for email if you need future help, and I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this.
Sorry but this guy is doing nothing but dragging you down. Your trying to help and all your getting is a kick in the rear around every turn. Don’t let guilt or other reasons keep you in this relationship. You have tried and done more then most to make this work. It’s time to start thinking about yourself for a change.
oh god im going thru a similar thing lke you have
the constant flaking, esp while you feel like you do everything for them, but they still dont respect you enough. Im with my bf for 5 years,and im going through the same stuff. I wanted to spend my life with this guy, until i realized its never going to change. Hes always going to take and take, until i have no more left. A boyfriend is supposed to lift you up and love you and be your soruce of strength…not weakness…Sometimes, it is..but ive realzied alot of times its NOT..more often than not actually …
i wish i could give you advice. My question was so similar to yours..i want to end it, but cant seem to leave….I guess we just have to know they wont change, and they obviously dont appreciate us …and mabe we need to realzie we deserve better
if u ever figure out a solution, let me know..or answer my question , which is pratically the same as yours lol
If I were you, I would leave him and never look back. He has a LONG way to go to get his life in order, if it ever happens (there are no guarantees).
He has not permanently changed. He gutted it out and changed enough and for long enough to get you back and get his life moving in the right direction, but it is not permanent. It is VERY common for people fighting addictions or people just trying to change something (to lose weight, or quit smoking, or to change money handling issues, etc.) to be able to gut it out and change for a period of time by force of will alone. But, to make permanent changes takes something to occur on the inside of the person, a shift in how they think and see things. He does not appear to have made the shift.
Oh wow. You deserve sooooo much better. I don’t know you….but if you were my daughter…i’d be so upset!!!!
Please, please break it off with him. Don’t you have better things to do? I mean it sounds like he’s using again…judging from his erratic behavior.
Move on. Move on. Move on.
I simply cannot understand why you girls put up with this stuff from such immature boys??!!
Bottom line: (which, you will find out sooner or later), time to call it a day.
Get a second job…read a book…whatever it takes….but really. Call it a day.