Question by Baby Girl: 4yo step daughter could have hurt our 11 month old son and husband acts like no big deal what do i do?
Ok I have a four year old step daughter and six year old step son and my husband and I have an 11 month old together, not to mention I am 18 weeks pregnant with our second together. My husband says that I am crazy and that I try to separate the children which in fact is not my intent but I try to make him understand that I do my best to make everything as equal as possible when they are here but that its not a perfect situation and that the family will always be divided in a way because his kids are here one week and at their mothers the next. my husband does not pay child support (its in the papers) at all and thats why we have them 50 percent of the time but its really bad this way because the kids have no stability. i believe they need to be at both places for longer periods of time or one of us needs full custody. anyways my step daughter who i believe is old enough to know the difference between right and wrong gets into things when she knows she is not supposed to. she got into some school supplies of mine in a shoe box on my desk (she was snooping) and took out 3 safety pins at some point while i was going to the bathroom and dropped them in her brothers play pen. I discovered them thankfully before anything happened but i think it was resentment or jealousy towards the baby and/or acting out for attention that she doesnt get from her dad who has pawned them off on me from day 1. i told my husband that she knew better and he says well maybe she is slow (she was born addicted to meth because of her mother) and needs to be tested. i just find it hard to believe that she is slow considering she does not show signs of developmental delays and also i think her older brother might have put her up to it. he lied to my face when i asked him about it. he said he did not know anything. their dad (my husband) talked to them but my husband insists that i am crazy because i think they are out to get me. am i crazy for even thinking that. i believe that at 4 and 6 almost 5 and 7 that they can be manipulative and that they are not stupid. i am not saying they are out to get me or hurt our son but i do think this possibility should be checked into and also having her tested for developmental delays. but my husband just goes into blaming mode. the girl was spanked for what she did last night and they were both grounded to their rooms for a few hours today after we found out they were both lying and were checked on often. i find something very wrong with the fact that when i asked her why she did it after she finally admitted to me that her only answer was cuz. and then her brother to boldly lie to my face. i think they both need serious counseling and i think my husband is trying to turn the problem around on me and say that i am the problem. the whole situation is bad in of itself and i dont know what to do any more. my husband doesnt even think its a big deal to tell their mother what they did and i think its a serious issue that needs to be nipped in the butt now and he some how thinks that i am a bad person and crazy also cuz they wont tell me the truth but they will him well gee i wonder why!!! they are not my biological children and they know that and they resent being shuffled between two places, what else could it possibly be? and to those of you who say you married the kids too, well thats fine and dandy but my own flesh and blood could have been killed and that makes me not want to have those kids in the house if their father can not control them or get them help. i dont think im crazy for wanting that and i do my best to treat them the same but they need to show me respect too and i feel my husband should be on my side and respect my wishes especially since he leaves those kids with me 95 percent of the time because he works more and when he is home he is watching tv among other things as long as i am here. im fed up what should i do? i dont want something worse to happen next time if those kids dont get help and he realizes the seriousness of this situation.
she and her brother have been warned time and time again that small toys and objects are not for babies. they have rules and boundaries in our house. they knew better unless obviously there is some mental issue with the girl because of her mothers meth use. my husband forces me to pretend that we are a “normal” family and that i am the kids’ mother and he doesnt deal with the real mother..guess who has to do it? ME and i dont think its right. i dont resent the kids. i resent him and the situation he has made for our family. a lot of things changed when he married me he expected me to basically take the total place of their mother and i dont think they like that and thats why i feel they are being resentful….you cant you people see that?!
isnt is amazing that just cuz of the fact that i say they are my step children people automatically assume i dont love them?!!? i am tired of being blamed for shit that just isnt true..unless you are in the situation or a similar situation you just cant really fathom the whole deal completely. our society is really screwed up by the media and old crappy fairy tales like cinderella and hansel and gretel…get real people and grow up…thanks to those who understand my frustration and pain…but im some how a horrible person if i am upset because they are my step children….maybe i should have never mentioned step and you woulda maybe spoke differently….i dont think its fair that people feel they need to be treated better or differently because they are step children who are put upon. BULL SHIT those kids are shown plenty of attention at our household by me…how come none of you think their father has a problem…hes the one that doenst pay attention to them!
isnt is amazing that just cuz of the fact that i say they are my step children people automatically assume i dont love them?!!? i am tired of being blamed for shit that just isnt true..unless you are in the situation or a similar situation you just cant really fathom the whole deal completely. our society is really screwed up by the media and old crappy fairy tales like cinderella and hansel and gretel…get real people and grow up…thanks to those who understand my frustration and pain…but im some how a horrible person if i am upset because they are my step children….maybe i should have never mentioned step and you woulda maybe spoke differently….i dont think its fair that people feel they need to be treated better or differently because they are step children who are put upon. BULL SHIT those kids are shown plenty of attention at our household by me…how come none of you think their father has a problem…hes the one that doenst pay attention to them!
Best answer:
Answer by Little Bo Peep
Yes, kids that age can manipulate…and yes it should be taken seriously. It sounds like you inherited a huge can of worms by marrying a man whom doesn’t have the same parenting style/expectations as you do….as well as meth-addicted step-kids. You should go ahead and just talk to their mother about your concerns, just be delicate about it. Your husband is a dense headed turd.
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
You are definitely in a difficult situation. These children need you to be in a loving/nurturing role despite anything they may do for attention. Child do these same things for their birth parents too simply for attention &/or because they are at times jealous of another sibling. Talk daily about how important they are to the family and encourage them to express all their feelings through art like singing, coloring and drawing. Be consistent, because children crave a dependable routine and someone who will always listen to them. Children will test boundaries at every age, because it is how they learn what is and what isn’t socially acceptable. Remember, you are one of their most important role-models and even if they do not say it they need you.
This is what happens when you marry a man with children, you should of known this. and they are just kids, they are not little murderers running around your house for gods sake. set some rules in that house. but do remember, they are just kids. my three year old still gets into things even though he knows better, that’s what children DO. and im sure that little girl wasn’t trying to kill your baby. i really don’t know what else to tell you, but kids will be kids. and how about you keep safety pins and such out of a child’s reach
i have a 5 yr old step-son & i KNOW how you feel. you will just never feel for your step-child what you do for your own. that is just how it is, but for your hubby-they are both his own. it is so hard to deal with. i have had many times where i just didnt want my step son around-at all. these feeling i think are somewhat normal when dealing with a new little baby. you are now a mommy & a protective one & since that other kid is not yours, you want your hubby to care like you do….but just try to remember that they are both his…he has no step-child. sounds like you are very pissed at your man….i think you not only need to have some date nights, but some time to sit & talk these things over without the kids in ear-shot. i think many date-nights are much needed here. =D
I agree, that counseling is needed for all involved the children and you and your husband so you feel that you have his support and he respects your concerns. My sister attempted to be a foster mom to some children whose parents were meth addicts and it was too much for her she lasted 3 days! The children envied her children and were rough and mean to her. She had to get them out of the house for the safety of her own children. It is a hard situation, especially since it is allot easier to love your own flesh and blood and hard to not make things equal.
first off you and your husband need to get together and make house rules when the kids step into your home they need to go by your rules when they leave they can go my Moms ruled but all the time they need to go by your and Dads rules it is your home you are the parent adult and they are the kids. Yes they probably dis like the kids you and your husband have and are going to have . these kids need to have a place of there own in your home and they need to learn Nanny 911 rules the need to treat you as a parent because that is what you are to them. Even if you have custody they would still have to visit with the Mom same thing would happen. I had to tell my kids they were not coming into the house until they were ready to get back into my rules they sat on the cold concrete steps for a very long time before they agreed. You have to not ask about the other visit. Just let then know they can tell you if they are being hurt in any way. Lots of hugs lots of listening but no prying.
It is very hard to treat them the same os your o
You are in a difficult position but I have seen this before. You are a new mom and perhaps haven’t raised a 4 year old before. And a bit protective of your own child. The 4 year old does need constant watching as they are mischievous little ones. And until you realize that then the little girl can probably do nothing good in your eyes. Good luck. edit: the way you are ranting on and on sounds like perhaps you are very emotional and are overwhelmed with all this motherhood stuff and perhaos needs some help with someone to talk to. I hope you can find a counselor or a friend or relative to sit down and talk with.
Your anger and resentment of your step-children is very obvious. A four-year old being curious and looking into a box on your desk is natural. Not being able to articulate reasoning behind actions is also normal for that age. Lying in the face of what I would imagine to be an angry and confrontational step-mother is understandable.
You did not once mention loving your step-children. I can see how your husband would find the sort of tirades you laid out as being paranoid.
Face it- you DID marry a family. And your husband will ALWAYS be the children’s father. So if you make him choose you will be the one to lose.
You need to get into some family therapy. If money for that is an issue, contact a church or call a parent hotline in your area.
Good luck. And remember, how you treat your step-children may reflect how another woman will treat YOUR children if you don’t pull this together.
I like your answer RJ.
She needs counseling. She has a dismal outlook of her family. I have four little ones, and they’re always doing something to hurt each other.
It’s the parent’s job to teach them the proper way to behave. Some kids just learn earlier than others.