Question by Baby Girl: Stepdaughter could have hurt our 11 month old son & husband acts like its not that big of a deal. what do i do?
Ok I have a four year old step daughter and six year old step son and my husband and I have an 11 month old together, not to mention I am 18 weeks pregnant with our second together. My husband says that I am crazy and that I try to separate the children which in fact is not my intent but I try to make him understand that I do my best to make everything as equal as possible when they are here but that its not a perfect situation and that the family will always be divided in a way because his kids are here one week and at their mothers the next. my husband does not pay child support (its in the papers) at all and thats why we have them 50 percent of the time but its really bad this way because the kids have no stability. i believe they need to be at both places for longer periods of time or one of us needs full custody. anyways my step daughter who i believe is old enough to know the difference between right and wrong gets into things when she knows she is not supposed to. she got into some school supplies of mine in a shoe box on my desk (she was snooping) and took out 3 safety pins at some point while i was going to the bathroom and dropped them in her brothers play pen. I discovered them thankfully before anything happened but i think it was resentment or jealousy towards the baby and/or acting out for attention that she doesnt get from her dad who has pawned them off on me from day 1. i told my husband that she knew better and he says well maybe she is slow (she was born addicted to meth because of her mother) and needs to be tested. i just find it hard to believe that she is slow considering she does not show signs of developmental delays and also i think her older brother might have put her up to it. he lied to my face when i asked him about it. he said he did not know anything. their dad (my husband) talked to them but my husband insists that i am crazy because i think they are out to get me. am i crazy for even thinking that. i believe that at 4 and 6 almost 5 and 7 that they can be manipulative and that they are not stupid. i am not saying they are out to get me or hurt our son but i do think this possibility should be checked into and also having her tested for developmental delays. but my husband just goes into blaming mode. the girl was spanked for what she did last night and they were both grounded to their rooms for a few hours today after we found out they were both lying and were checked on often. i find something very wrong with the fact that when i asked her why she did it after she finally admitted to me that her only answer was cuz. and then her brother to boldly lie to my face. i think they both need serious counseling and i think my husband is trying to turn the problem around on me and say that i am the problem. the whole situation is bad in of itself and i dont know what to do any more. my husband doesnt even think its a big deal to tell their mother what they did and i think its a serious issue that needs to be nipped in the butt now and he some how thinks that i am a bad person and crazy also cuz they wont tell me the truth but they will him well gee i wonder why!!! they are not my biological children and they know that and they resent being shuffled between two places, what else could it possibly be? and to those of you who say you married the kids too, well thats fine and dandy but my own flesh and blood could have been killed and that makes me not want to have those kids in the house if their father can not control them or get them help. i dont think im crazy for wanting that and i do my best to treat them the same but they need to show me respect too and i feel my husband should be on my side and respect my wishes especially since he leaves those kids with me 95 percent of the time because he works more and when he is home he is watching tv among other things as long as i am here. im fed up what should i do? i dont want something worse to happen next time if those kids dont get help and he realizes the seriousness of this situation.
Yes and like i said she could have a developmental delay but i find it hard to believe but im not ignoring that possibility. i think her and her brother both need counseling. they both were warned time and time again how dangerous small toys and objects are to babies. it was not like they were not told. they are old enough to know the difference IF THERE IS NO MENTAL ISSUE. this girl is supposed to be in kindergarten in less than a year. hello?
Yes these children have their own space the girl has her own room for christs sakes. the baby and the other boy share a room because we only have three bedrooms. they are never treated like they are extras. the only way they would feel that way is the fact that they are shuffled by the choices of their BIOLOGICAL MOTHER AND FATHER which i am not. that is that. plain and simple. i have expressed my concern to both of them and guess what? they think its just fine for the kids. some parents eh? my husband did not have this custody until we had been together for awhile. so its not like i knew it would all be like this. ok
Now wait a minute…i left to use the bathroom for 2 minutes…what do u expect me to do..take them all to the bathroom with me and for your information my step daughter went searching through my things. when she knew that she is not supposed to do those things…. she is not a toddler she is almost 5 (4 years and 11 months)!!! and the other kid is almost done with 1st grade not kindergarten (he’s almost 7)! and spanking is not illegal especially if the intent was not to harm them or leave marks which i didnt! so dont judge my parenting i asked a question. THANK YOU.
Now wait a minute…i left to use the bathroom for 2 minutes…what do u expect me to do..take them all to the bathroom with me and for your information my step daughter went searching through my things. when she knew that she is not supposed to do those things…. she is not a toddler she is almost 5 (4 years and 11 months)!!! and the other kid is almost done with 1st grade not kindergarten (he’s almost 7)! and spanking is not illegal especially if the intent was not to harm them or leave marks which i didnt! so dont judge my parenting i asked a question. THANK YOU.
also…the baby could have put those safety pins in his mouth and choked and died. whether or not she was trying to kill him i dont know how people would not think she needs help.
by the way the safety pins were in a box out of their reach (up higher on my desk)…meaning they must have climbed something to get to them…so obviously they were looking through my things….i never said that they were trying to kill the baby but tell me why that is not possible? please any body show me a reference PLEASE!
i appreciate some of the answers with compassion here and logical explanations but how many of you are actually in a step situation? or blended family?
i am 24 years old 25 on friday
isnt is amazing that just cuz of the fact that i say they are my step children people automatically assume i dont love them?!!? i am tired of being blamed for **** that just isnt true..unless you are in the situation or a similar situation you just cant really fathom the whole deal completely. our society is really screwed up by the media and old crappy fairy tales like cinderella and hansel and gretel…get real people and grow up…thanks to those who understand my frustration and pain…but im some how a horrible person if i am upset because they are my step children….maybe i should have never mentioned step and you woulda maybe spoke differently….i dont think its fair that people feel they need to be treated better or differently because they are step children who are put upon. BULL **** those kids are shown plenty of attention at our household by me…how come none of you think their father has a problem…hes the one that doenst pay attention to them!
Best answer:
Answer by Koshu
How in the world did you not see this coming, before you got married to this man, and his children. You are in a very bad situation, and I suggest that he has 1/2 custody of his children, so he doesn’t have to pay child support. What is happening to his two kids is very sad being ship back and forth. This is not good, children need ritual and a schedule at that age. You need to get your children away from these kids, or your predictions will happen. It will only get worse. Keep in mind, you adults are ultimately responsible if these children are hurt.
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
HUH? She has only been in the world for FOUR years, she doesn’t know everything. AND she was born addicted to drugs, try to be a better stepmother. Such a shame.
Your husband needs to get his children medically checked Also, this half custody thing isn’t going to work! It seems to be confusing the kids and they almost seem as if they resent your family. Sit your husband down and tell him how you really feel. Your baby’s safety comes first! Especially with another one on the way. The children are old enough to know right from wrong. This is unacceptable, is how about your husband’s ex? What is she doing about her children’s possible health problem?
You and your spouse do need to be on the same page about the rules for these kids. Do they have their own space in your house? Swapping out houses every other week can work fine, as long as the kids know that they belong in your house and do not feel that they are extras.
I would look at this incident with the safety pins more as an invasion of your privacy than your step daughter intentionally trying to hurt the baby. If she had wanted to hurt the baby, she would have stabbed him when she had the chance.
Good luck,
i understand how u feel. but u have to understand that they are kids.and they maybe going through alot right now. the 4 year old was born addicted to meth. she may have some mental delay even if u can’t tell or see it. i have a 4 year old and a 10 month old and at that age they are a bit jealous and they will do things not on purpose or with the intent to hurt the baby. but out of not knowing better, now i am sure she did not do it intentional or to hurt ur baby. technically she just needs to be told that she could have hurt the baby. killing him with safety pins is a bit dramatic, but she could have hurt him. it sounds to me that u resent the kids b/c of the parents they have and the responsibility ur husband has put off on u to raise his kids while he does nothing. try to make the kids feel welcomed and not like u don’t want them there and that ur 11month old is there baby brother and they have to look out for him an make sure they understand that b/c he is ur biological son u won’t treat them different b/c they are not.
the kids need stability so maybe every second weekend only should they be at your house.. also
don’t spank kids… i still resent my parents for it.
If someone spanked your for doing something you wouldn’t accept it. why should your kids, and don’t say because your the attorative figure and the elder.. i resented it and it is a big flaw you need to fix.
Good Luck on this bad situation and Good Luck on your new baby.
also the younger child may feel your son has taken her dad away from her so she may not like him …
Okay 1. you have to understand that they are still little. and they are at the age where they begin to lie because they dont want to get into trouble. A 4 and 6 year old may know some rights from wrongs but they don’t know everything. 2. dont put stuff like that in a place where a 4 year old can get a hold of it. Its a pain in the ass i know but you need to probably move stuff like that to another place or better locked place as they get older until they understand better.
Look Im with you on the fact that kids that age do understand a lot…but there is a lot they dont often know how to express….and youre right that there is a lot of knew change and that will upset them. Try to encourage your husband to spend more time with them so they will know that he still cares about them too and not just the new baby(s).
Try also to spend some time separatly with them. They need to know that youre not there to take any parents away or replace any parents but want to know and love them as well. Get someone to watch the baby and take the kids out together or separatly.
You may be right that the kids need some guidance but i would recommend family counselling over separate couselling for them. when kids act out theres a reason and really, everyone needs to be involved in the solution or it isnt a solution.
And yeah they probably are jealous. The best way to help that though is to try and involve them with the new baby(s). Ask them to help you pick out what they baby should wear or keep the baby distracted while you change him/her. Ask them whether they are hoping for a new brother or sister and what they think are good names for the new family member (even if they are too radical to consider). If you involve them they realise they are important and needed and wanted.
I dont think its the moving back and forth too much though…I know many kids who did the same thing and adjusted well after awhile. They just might need some help and encouragement.
And really please consider the family counselling. Its something I wish my father and step-mother would have seriously considered for us instead of discarding so that we could have had better relationships growing up.
I’ve raised 4 kids to adulthood….and during their childhood I’ve babysat quite a few youg ones (baby-pre school) I am 55 years old so you can say I’ve some experience in this..oh at one time I had a 11 year old, a 8 year old, a 14 month old and a new baby.
been there, done that.
For Pete Sakes, young woman a 4 year old is still a baby in many ways…..she has NO conception of what her actions will do, at that age they DO NOT think things thru, even a 6 year old does not have that skill refined…wow. You SPANK? A parent who hits as a form of discipline is a parent who is out of control themselves, FYI.
You are expecting a pre-schooler and a child of kindergartden age to reason like kids far older than themselves….aint gonna happen. What should have happened is better supervision especially when very young kids are around babies…so YOU are the one at fault, YOU should have seen to it that stuff a curious pre-schooler will examine is NOT in her reach if there’s a potential danger….what did you do, put the baby in the play pen and walk away?????
A 4 year old and even a 6 year old do not have the sophistication of thought to be manipulative in the way you imply…that thinking is crazy….they scream, whine, throw temper tantrums, threaten to stop eating and breathing, bite, etc but they don’t stage scenarios where someone can be hurt…you need some courses in child developement.
The resentment here is you having to care for two kids that belong to your husband and his ex….and instead of being a stable, loving influence in their lives (their own mother isn’t capable) you concern yourself with not wanting them there because they aren’t yours…..it’s very obvious in your question….they lie because they are afraid of you, don’t trust you as they do their father and can feel your resentment of them.
You are doing more harm to them by this resentment then their mother and the divorce combined…you sound incapable of caring for them yourself because you have hardened your heart against them………if I knew your husband I would advise him to give full custody of those kids to a relative who will love them, with liberal visitation for him….you belong totally OUT of their young lives.
Sounds like you are emotionally tired right now. You’re pregnant and having to take care of your 11 month old and your step-kids is not easy. With that being said, even though these are your step-kids and not your blood, they are your children’s blood. All the kids are siblings and with that comes jealousy. You being the parent will have to get control of it and do the best you can to make your step-kids feel welcome so they will know your home is their home. These children need you too. Have you ever bonded with them yet? Have you told them you love them? I have 2 toddlers and the man I am dating has 2 children as well. It was an adjustment in the beginning but I am kissing and hugging on his kids like they are my own. They can feel that I love them too and that makes for an easier adjustment when away from their mother.
You can try to get your husband more involved but let’s face it, men are not all that in tune with rearing kids emotionally. Spend quality time with your step-kids and open your heart to loving them as much as you love your own. Let his kids know how much their younger brother and new baby will look up to them and need them. If that fails, check into family counseling.
wait wait wait….hold the phone
I have 4 sons, all of them way older than 4 but i certainly remember when they WERE 4
4 year olds do NOT know right from wrong ALL THE TIME
please, slow down
I know you only have an 11 month old so you are really just learning about how kids do things
you are taking something to malicious when she is only 4
i truly understand
being protective of your baby…you are a new mom and everything is new…she is just BABY
she only know that No means No when told..she has absolutleu NO WAY of scheming to come up with aplan to kill your baby
her brain in learning all the time..how is she susupposedo know that they baby wouldn’t lilikehe neat shiny pins less than she probably does? Do you pin anything of the baby’s? Diapers, clothes> She could be trying to help
calm down, think lilike4 year old..relax..try not tot take eveverythingo personal
she has no idea in any way that she is your ststepdaughternd that they baby is just your baby…she has no idea ubunlessou are making sure she knows
please….relax, try to think like 4 year old
she has enenougho think about she doesn’t need to be reremindedhe is different
Not to be offensive more than I am sure I already was..how old are you?
You sound very young to me..I am 32 and you sound very young to think they are against you
Ok first thing, I am a step-mom to a seven year old boy with ADD. Personaly I don’t think it’s ADD more of a lack of disipline from his mother and being raised soley from daycare and being eight hours away from his father. On that note, he is NOT easy to be around. He mouths off, explains why he feels his father is no good, because of what his mother fills his head with and is just plain hyper and rude. I get very frustrated and angry at times. BUT you can NOT take it out on the chidren. They are going through really tough times. They have to cope with the fact their parents aren’t together, they have a new baby coming and a little brother that needs a lot of attention. Also dad is giving you his attention. This all with being moved back and forth every week is not easy on little kids. They are five and seven. They are going to do things like this to express their feelings because they don’t really know how else to deal with it. The only way this gets better is if everyone sits down and has a talk with them about family and how they are all loved and things are different. SOunds like the communication between you and your husband needs some work too. But you are dealing with this in the wrong way. It is WAY hard but you have to keep the love for these children and realize they are going through some rough times. You probably didn’t experience this as a child as I didn’t so it is hard to realize just how much it is hurting them. They need you to love them and communicate better with your husband. Yelling will get you no where. Plan out the conversation ahead of time… write down what you want to go over with your husband show it to him sit him down and tell him this is what we need to fix and talk about. Set no yelling rules. It sound juvenile but if that’s what it takes to have a conversation about sensitive issues then that’s what it takes. Try to sit down with everyone together and talk over how the children are feeling. It wont get better without communication. Good luck and take deep breaths. It will only get worse if you don’t keep calm and work through the problem, you can’t point fingers. Just try to find a solution.
Just keep a close eye on that baby of yours. Any chance you can make nice with the mom- since you will never be able to count on a man- so you can tag-team with someone? I am sorry- but when kids are 2 they know right from wrong. Your husband needs to back you up. If not, let those kids go to daycare unless he is home- then he is on patrol. No more TV- that is kid time. If he doesn’t like it- TOO BAD. You are not his babysitter. You need some support, so sorry for you girl. You are totally right!