Question by Baby Girl: 4yo Stepdaughter could have hurt our 11 month old son and husband acts like no big deal. what do i do?
Ok I have a four year old step daughter and six year old step son and my husband and I have an 11 month old together, not to mention I am 18 weeks pregnant with our second together. My husband says that I am crazy and that I try to separate the children which in fact is not my intent but I try to make him understand that I do my best to make everything as equal as possible when they are here but that its not a perfect situation and that the family will always be divided in a way because his kids are here one week and at their mothers the next. my husband does not pay child support (its in the papers) at all and thats why we have them 50 percent of the time but its really bad this way because the kids have no stability. i believe they need to be at both places for longer periods of time or one of us needs full custody. anyways my step daughter who i believe is old enough to know the difference between right and wrong gets into things when she knows she is not supposed to. she got into some school supplies of mine in a shoe box on my desk (she was snooping) and took out 3 safety pins at some point while i was going to the bathroom and dropped them in her brothers play pen. I discovered them thankfully before anything happened but i think it was resentment or jealousy towards the baby and/or acting out for attention that she doesnt get from her dad who has pawned them off on me from day 1. i told my husband that she knew better and he says well maybe she is slow (she was born addicted to meth because of her mother) and needs to be tested. i just find it hard to believe that she is slow considering she does not show signs of developmental delays and also i think her older brother might have put her up to it. he lied to my face when i asked him about it. he said he did not know anything. their dad (my husband) talked to them but my husband insists that i am crazy because i think they are out to get me. am i crazy for even thinking that. i believe that at 4 and 6 almost 5 and 7 that they can be manipulative and that they are not stupid. i am not saying they are out to get me or hurt our son but i do think this possibility should be checked into and also having her tested for developmental delays. but my husband just goes into blaming mode. the girl was spanked for what she did last night and they were both grounded to their rooms for a few hours today after we found out they were both lying and were checked on often. i find something very wrong with the fact that when i asked her why she did it after she finally admitted to me that her only answer was cuz. and then her brother to boldly lie to my face. i think they both need serious counseling and i think my husband is trying to turn the problem around on me and say that i am the problem. the whole situation is bad in of itself and i dont know what to do any more. my husband doesnt even think its a big deal to tell their mother what they did and i think its a serious issue that needs to be nipped in the butt now and he some how thinks that i am a bad person and crazy also cuz they wont tell me the truth but they will him well gee i wonder why!!! they are not my biological children and they know that and they resent being shuffled between two places, what else could it possibly be? and to those of you who say you married the kids too, well thats fine and dandy but my own flesh and blood could have been killed and that makes me not want to have those kids in the house if their father can not control them or get them help. i dont think im crazy for wanting that and i do my best to treat them the same but they need to show me respect too and i feel my husband should be on my side and respect my wishes especially since he leaves those kids with me 95 percent of the time because he works more and when he is home he is watching tv among other things as long as i am here. im fed up what should i do? i dont want something worse to happen next time if those kids dont get help and he realizes the seriousness of this situation.
the kids do have rules and their own spaces in the house and they were warned that small objects and toys are not for babies. other than a mental issue, i believe they did in fact no better. whether or not they were trying to hurt the baby, i still believe they need help. yes kids act out for a reason and i am more upset with my husband for thinking its not a big deal really. and i dont buy that shes only 4 crap. shes almost 5 anyway.
isnt is amazing that just cuz of the fact that i say they are my step children people automatically assume i dont love them?!!? i am tired of being blamed for **** that just isnt true..unless you are in the situation or a similar situation you just cant really fathom the whole deal completely. our society is really screwed up by the media and old crappy fairy tales like cinderella and hansel and gretel…get real people and grow up…thanks to those who understand my frustration and pain…but im some how a horrible person if i am upset because they are my step children….maybe i should have never mentioned step and you woulda maybe spoke differently….i dont think its fair that people feel they need to be treated better or differently because they are step children who are put upon. BULL **** those kids are shown plenty of attention at our household by me…how come none of you think their father has a problem…hes the one that doenst pay attention to them!
Best answer:
Answer by faith41jesus
Well, I must say I agree with you and that a 4yr old should know better. Even a 3yr old should know not to touch someone elses things and yes a 3yr old can learn this if taught properly.
The you and your husband need to come together first of all and create some rules for the home.
These rules should be the most common rules in most homes too.
There are a parenting books and websites that list rules like this but honestly most are common sense -
1. Don’t touch what isn’t yours. Or just ask before you touch
2. Don’t hit
3. Don’t call people names
4. knock before you enter someones room
5. No running in the house
Just basic common rules that most kids should learn.
We are a Christian family & a lot of our household rules go along with bible verses.
Here is a website that lists a lot of the rules we have in our home along with a bible verse -
http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/serving…
We have this book too and use this in our home. The kids enjoyed coloring the book along with learning the rules.
http://www.amazon.com/Original-21-Rules-…
Good luck.
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
It sounds that more than anything you resent the children, and even your husband for the living situation you are currently in. The little girl is 4 years old. You are expecting and assuming too much of her. There could be a million different reasons why they will lie to you and not your husband. Maybe they feel no connection with you………because you feel no connection with them. Maybe they are afraid of you. I can tell by this post that you are very angry and passionate about this situation. Kids pick up on more than adults sometimes. I think that what they did was wrong. I think that they aren’t the only people to blame. Kids act out for a reason. Most likely because of the adults in their lives, and how they are behaving. I think you’re right to be upset and scared for your baby. I also think you’re being really harsh. I expect you to get annoyed with my answer. I still stand by it.
Ship them off to a boarding school.
I am going to be blunt with you, because you asked. I think you are overreacting.
Your children are not out to get you. They are four and six. This is not a “crap” excuse. It’s developmental reality. I am sure that they feel your resentment of them, and it causes them pain, because they don’t understand it. However, that does not mean that they are out to sabotage you.
You’re right that it is a bad situation. They have a meth addicted mom, a step-mom who resents them and who is determined to see evil in their every action, and a dad who does along with completely unreasonable punishments, to appease you. On top of all that, they live in two different households.
I would suggest that, as a family, you need counseling to make this situation work.
I really would recommend counseling for your entire family; your poor stepchildren have had a rough time and now you, your husband, and your baby are being affected by it in a way that should not be left unattended.
I think that you need a serious talk with them. Tell that that you love them unconditionally but you don’t like it when they lie to you, just like they wouldn’t like it if you lied to them. Tell them that their little brother is just a baby and he will look up to them in the future, and that as big kids they need to watch out for him and make sure that he’s safe because he is still a baby. Try and get them to see that being a big sibling can be fun and that as big kids they should be keeping their brother safe because that shows how mature and responsible they are.
It sounds like you are really frustrated with everything going on and you are pregnant so that makes things harder on you.
From first hand experience I have seen kids act up like this. I baby sit my brother in laws kids and they come from a very messed up home. Mom comes around once a week, dad is always working, one was born at 25 wks, they pee on themselves, get into things they’re not supposed to , etc.
Anyone who says it’s crap to say something about a 4 yr old really needs to learn a thing or two. At 4/5 and 6/7 yrs old children know right and wrong especially when there are rules they follow daily. They know when they do something wrong too.
I think your whole family should go to counseling because it sounds like you and your husband have issues that need to be worked out. You might even have a little resentment towards the children since it sounds like you are the only parent they have when they are at your house. I know the feeling. Baby sitting 3 children who aren’t mine, ( I have a 5 yr old son and I’m 29 wks pregnant) wears me out and frustrates the hell out of me sometimes. Take some time to yourself, relax and then talk to your husband calmly. Something needs to be done to make everyone come to an agreement.
Also I’m wondering why their mom even has 50 % custody of them if she was on meth when she had the daughter?
God, this must be difficult for you! I can understand how you must feel: you want to love these children, but you can’t let them put yours at risk! It’s time you had it out with your husband..and don’t let him say you’re being neurotic because you’re pregnant!
It sounds like the children, young as they are, are trying to punish you for taking their dad. The only way they can do that at their age is by the little (but dangerous!) things you describe. Maybe your husband could take them out on some special treats…make them feel they’re still important to him!…then, gradually, you could tag along with the baby. Eventually, you should start to feel like a family!
The custody arrangements stink for everybody concerned..would your husband not try to even make it month about? A week is just never going to be long enough to teach these children your way of doing things..you’ve hardly started when they go back to their mother! These children need to feel part of a family, and that can only happen through time in a family!
You are right…a lot of the solutions to this have to come from the childrens’ father. If he doesn’t open his eyes and take responsibility the situation is only going to get worse – especially as your own child/ren get older.
Good Luck..tell your husband to get off his butt and help his children, before he ends up with problem teenagers on his hands!
seeeing as how she was born with a meth problem, it is very possible that she has some developmental delays. My son was not born with any sort of drug issue, nor did I smoke or drink while pregnant, and we found out at 11 years old that he has some developmental delays. It explains alot, and hubby is still having trouble comprehending that our son is NOT going to be just like the other kids.
I think that it may be worth it to have them evaluated. The school psychologist should be able to help you find resources for both kids, and the school may be able to test them to some extent. I would probably tell hubby that as a mother you have the responsibility to make sure that your toddler is safe. If that means having the step-kids evaluated for delays, etc, then it has to be done. make sure you remind him that you are thier primary caregiver even when he is in the house, so unless he wants to be having vistiation with his younger kids instead of living with them, he better pay attention. Let him know if your 11 month old comes to ANY harm at the hands of the step-kids that you will pack up and go to your parents. If he has to be the responsible parent he may change his tune. I know my hubby thinks my life is all chocolate and roses until the kids pull some crap on him, THEN he understands.