Question by queenmeow16: I don’t know how to get through to my drug addicted husband?
When my husband was a child he grew up in a home filled with drugs. All kinds. His mother’s and step father’s drug of choice was speed/meth. His step father was abusive to my husband until the step father was caught hurting my husband ( who was o became only 13) and the step father was arrested. He used to find his mother’s drugs and pipes and flush them or break them, but eventually he became curious and tried himself. He became addicted. He was taken away from his mother at 15 and placed with his aunt. He became clean. We have been going out for years as teens. When we hit 20 we married. We had one baby girl and at that point he got a job that was graveyard shift. He fell back into drugs. He said it was due to stress and feeling that he needed to be able to stay up to work. I am a person who has lived a somewhat sheltered life, never done any drugs or drank or even had a cigarette so i didn’t see the subtle clues he was using again. I never thought he’d go back. When I did realize what was happening i left him and said he had to chose what life he wanted. Drugs or our family in one home. He quit. We moved away from his mom who still uses. I later had another baby, this time a boy. Soon after I caught him red handed using. This time i said he has to do more than promise me it wouldn’t happen again. I asked him to do out patient rehab and marriage counseling. As part of the rehab he cannot drink or do any drugs. He has slipped and drank 3 nights in less than 2 weeks. The meeting scheduled today he told me he was leaving to there but he went to his moms instead. I called his council er and found out he skipped class he admitted he went to his moms but swears he didn’t do anything but hang out. I don’t know what to do. I love him, he seems to want to stop, but weak willed, hes the father of my children. i asked him to leave for the night but what do i do next?
Best answer:
Answer by scoutma53
I’m sorry, I don’t see any way out of this except that you leave him. You can’t have the children exposed to this day in day out. It will be hard but better in the long run. His own family is obviously no help at all.
Give your answer to this question below!
do whats right for your children
What you do next is lower the boom … and mean it.
NO contact with the kids AT ALL until he’s been sober and clean for a full, solid year. When the kids ask where daddy is, tell them he’s working. That’s all they need to know.
He’s the father of your kids … yea, but he’s a druggie FIRST. He’s the sperm donor right now, ok? His head is in the little vial, or the baggie, or whatever container the drugs come in. THAT is where he lives.
You have to do this, for the sake of your kids. They can’t be around him when he’s using. What do you think would happen in their little minds if dad got busted while in the home, and the police came and hauled him away in handcuffs? That is a memory that your kids do not need to have.
NO CONTACT – not with him, or his folks, and please don’t tell me that you fell for the line about ‘only hanging out’ tonite. How can you tell when an addict is lying? Their lips are moving – that is a sick sad joke, but it’s also true.
What you do next is change the locks on your home, and get a family law attorney to help you to legally keep him away from the kids as a danger to them. He either checks into a 60 day INPATIENT program (because outpatient for someone with his history is like putting a band aid on a spurting artery), or you’re done.
The real root of the problem you’re dealing with is that he isn’t your garden variety user. This has been part of his life for as long as he can remember. He doesn’t know how to BE sober. He probably can’t remember the last time he went more than a few days without using something. Imagine being a stranger in a strange land where nothing tastes good, no one speaks the language you speak, and your skin feels like it doesn’t fit your body. THAT is how he feels when he is sober … only the people around him are the strangers in the strange land … because the strange land is in his head. He doesn’t know who he is unless he is using. Using is what is comfortable for him, it’s what’s familiar. You are asking him to give up everything he knows, and to turn his back on his parents, which is a huge part of why you’re having so much trouble. Getting sober is hard enough when your parents are not enabling. THIS is why it’s so hard. It’s not just the high … it’s everything attached TO it.
Marriage counseling won’t do you any good, either, because his drug use needs to be dealt with before you can think of a future with him. The thing is … once he becomes sober for a year, THEN the hard work begins. He has a lot of work ahead, hon, and he might not be up to it. He might never get clean. You have to face that fact, because of his history. It started very young, and he has so many things stacked against him. One thing is certain: You CANNOT let him manipulate you. From now until you can verify that he has been clean and sober for a full year, everything he is telling you is a lie. Come from that standpoint, and find the inner strength you will need to do battle.
No one is forcing him to use – he CAN stop whenever he wants (with a lot of help.) Right now, what sucks the most is that he CHOOSES to keep using. At the end of the day, it IS a choice.
Making a choice to stop using is the first step towards being clean and sober, but it’s not the choice he is making right now.
I wish you Godspeed, and the strength to stand up to him and protect your kids from growing up in a similar environment to what he did. YOU have to be their protector – even if it’s protecting them from their dad. You have to make sure that they don’t grow up thinking that drugs are ok, or not a big deal. They’re not ok, and they are a big deal.
*big hug* My heart goes out to you
Obviously he has a lengthy engagement with drugs. He may have been using all along and just hiding it from you, you honestly do not know. Addicts/alcoholics lie to cover up the extent of their usage and will always down play the seriousness of their problem until they are ready to get help and admit they’re out of control.
I would suggest a full time program for him (live-in). He’s already risked losing his family over his usage and he can not stay clean for even a week. This is serious. IF he really wants change, he’ll do the 28 day program and start attending NA and/or AA regularly.
You are at the point of an ultimatum (again) with him. I hope that you can find a good Al-anon program to attend for yourself and the children. You need support for yourself because handling someones drug addiction (and all the resulting behaviors) can exhaust you emotionally and shut you down then you’re not able to be there for your children, yourself or anyone else–least of all the addict.
I’m so glad you realize that this is not your fault and I commend you for doing your very best to help him to change his “playmates and playgrounds” by moving and that you’re not willing to tolerate this behavior because you recognize how damaging it can be to you and the children and your husband.
I’m praying for you. May God be with you as you make these tough decisions.
Leave and never go back.