Question by TasteOfInk: Why am I so emotionless?– Should I be worried?
My whole life I’ve never been able to speak up for myself, I always suffer in silence and I put everyone else before me. I’m 17, 10/29/08 my best friend killed himself, and idk why but it didn’t really affect me emotionally at all(I never talked to anyone about it). A couple weeks ago I moved from Michigan to Tennessee to get away from my mom and her dick boyfriend and I don’t even miss any of my friends or family. when i was 13 my stepdad (my dad ditched out on me before i was born and i have no clue who he is(and that doesn’t affect me emotionally either) and my stepdad got with my mom before i was 1 so he was always like my real dad) got addicted to meth and started getting really aggresive,he was constantly yelling at everyone and breaking everying and he threatened to kill us several times, my mom finally ended up divourcing him and that didn’t affect me either. Not even a year after that my mom ended up getting with some asshole who was constantly being a dick to me just for his entertainment. she then had a kid with him even tho we were already struggleing with money. and none of that affected me either . About 6 months ago I started thinking about killing myself, which really confuses me because compared to alot of people my life is good, and at first i didn’t think anything of it but it was constantly getting worse, about 4 months ago I started cutting and once again I have no clue why, I don’t want to and I’ve tried to stop several times. I just randomly get urges to do it and the more i ignore it the worse it gets and the the longer i wait the deeper i end up cutting, so I guess I do have emotions but… well I can’t really feel them. and also I remember almost nothing that happened in my life past age 14 but from what I’ve been told all of my cousins and my sister and step brother were constantly making me miserable. When ever someone ask me to list good qualities about myself i freeze because I can’t think of any, I’m constantly getting compliments from people about my looks, personality, and intelligence but when ever I look in the mirror all I see is an ugly, worthless, stupid piece of ****. I have a lot of people that i chill with, but no real friends. I’ve had 3 good friends in my life, 2 turned out to be backstabbing ***holes who were just using me and the other killed himself. I’ve had a few girlfriends but i didn’t love any of them, I’ve actually never loved anyone, not even family, and that really disturbs me. I’ve had one person in my life that actually cared about me and tried to look out for me, my cousin, he was shot in the head twice in a drug deal gone wrong 3 years ago. He was addicted to heroin but he was still a good person and he looked out for me, he tried to make sure that I would never make the same mistakes as him, honestly that’s the only thing stopping me from turning to drugs, i know my cousin would be crushed. last year i spent 2 months in juvie because my mom called the cops and said that i threatened to kill her even though i could never threaten to kill someone, and then told me that i got what i had coming because i did bad in school even tho i tried my hardest i just could never concentrate on anything longer then 2 minutes. I’ve been like that my whole life and when i was going to school it made my life hell because of all the trouble i’d get in at home for failing classes. there were a few years in my life where i was really bad with my mom, constantly flipping out and cussing her out, I finally got it under controll last year but she still constantly throws it in my face and acts like I’m a horrible person even though i hated myself after every fight i got in with her. I’ve had a couple therapist, and I’ve been in an anxiety counselling group and idk why but i could never tell them about wanting to kill myself and cutting, i really couldn’t tell them any of my problems, I always feel like an ***hole when i complain about my life because there are sooo many people out there that have it so much worse then me. Sorry for all of the typing i know that no one wants to real all of that, i just got in sort of a trance when i started typing and couldn’t stop, half of those were suppressed memories i didn’t remember until i started typing, that’s why all of the events i put are in a completely random order
I know my life isn’t that bad and there are a lot of people that would kill to have a life as good as mine, at least i have a loving family(even tho they aren’t good at expressing it) and a home, and I get food every day. I don’t get why I’m so depressed
Best answer:
Answer by Lance
sweet mother of fuk
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It sounds like you’ve just fell emotionally cold–you feel anyone who gets near you is either going to back-stab you, leave you, or die, and I am in a very similiar situation. I know it’s hard, but you have to seek therapy for this, and learn to trust again, or you’ll always be unhappy.
your emotions still exist, they are just covered and protected to the point you can’t feel them, so you won’t risk hurting yourself again.
you HAVE to tell them about the cutting and harming, or else you’ll never be totally honest with whats wrong or yourself.
I understand completely where you’re coming from though. after a break up with my borderline gf, that was the straw that broke the camels back, as I already grew up in a deeply impoverished, chaotic home that left me trusting nobody, as I was just going to get my feelings hurt in the end anyways.
now I can’t form relationships, as I never grow close enough to anyone to do that. I just feel they’ll leave in the end. or be expendable.
Probably because of all the drama in your life. You should consider counseling/ therapy to sort this matter out.
Stop. Reread what you just typed. How many negative things are in there? You may not think it affected you but it did. Ok, I have been depressed for 4 years now and still am but I know some good pointers… especially on the cutting thing. E-mail me whenever linz_lato@yahoo.com. You been lent a hand, I suggest you use it. I’ve lost the need to judge people and I want to help. I want to stop this because our generation Is starting to come to a halt. More people, especially teenagers are depressed more than ever before.
Okay, wow, that’s way more than anyone would be expected to handle! So pat yourself on the back for what ever keeps you surviving every day, because if you could bottle and sell it, you’d be awful rich. You have had an over abundance of abuse, neglect, abandonment, exposure to violence, heavy losses and what it sounds like the source of your emotionless reactions to things is that you cope by disassociating. It is quite common for people to do so when they experience traumatic events, and you’ve had way more than your fair share. You have an incredible amount of strength! The cutting, self harm, that is a way to try and bring the pain you have become “numb” to by disassociating, literally to the surface, so you can try to “feel” something, it makes it a lot more “real” when you can actually see the damage. Does this make sense to you? That is the reason people self-harm. Like when the proverbial hole gets punched in a wall, that is an attempt to manifest the internal pain from rage, anger and hurt to the literal surface, and literally face it. The scars left are a physical link to the internal scars. Hopefully moving away will help you rebuild your life, and you have access to the help that you need, because there is no way you can do this alone, or just by this web site. Also, hopefully, you are with people who love you and care for you and your well being. I wish you good luck and hope that you get help, and that life starts treating you better, and that you surround yourself with only the best quality people from now on. You are not a bad person, no matter what your mother says. She obviously has some serious issues and very poor taste in choice of male companions, and hasn’t been the best role model, so forget what she says, her opinion is WRONG. You know this and know you’re worth much more than she may think. Go to therapy, and speak up, you can’t heal if you don’t talk about what is hurting you.
You aren’t emotionless you just ignore your emotions so you don’t get hurt again. It sounds to me like you just need to talk through things in your life that you’ve (maybe subconciously) been ignoring.