Question by TasteOfInk: what’s wrong with me ? — should I be worried?
My whole life I’ve never been able to speak up for myself, I always suffer in silence and I put everyone else before me. I’m 17, 10/29/08 my best friend killed himself, and idk why but it didn’t really affect me emotionally at all(I never talked to anyone about it). A couple weeks ago I moved from Michigan to Tennessee to get away from my mom and her dick boyfriend and I don’t even miss any of my friends or family. when i was 13 my stepdad (my dad ditched out on me before i was born and i have no clue who he is(and that doesn’t affect me emotionally either) and my stepdad got with my mom before i was 1 so he was always like my real dad) got addicted to meth and started getting really aggresive,he was constantly yelling at everyone and breaking evertying and he threatened to kill us several times, my mom finally ended up divourcing him and that didn’t affect me either. Not even a year after that my mom ended up getting with some asshole who was constantly being a dick to me just for his entertainment. she then had a kid with him even tho we were already struggleing with money. and none of that affected me either . About 6 months ago I started thinking about killing myself, which really confuses me because compared to alot of people my life is good, and at first i didn’t think anything of it but it was constantly getting worse, about 4 months ago I started cutting and once again I have no clue why, I just randomly get urges to do it and the more i ignore it the worse it gets and the the longer i wait the deeper i end up cutting, so I guess I do have emotions but… well I can’t really feel them. and also I remember almost nothing that happened in my life past age 14 but from what I’ve been told all of my cousins and my sister and step brother were constantly making me miserable. When ever someone ask me to list good qualities about myself i freeze because I can’t think of any. I have a lot of people that i chill with but I don’t have any true friends, i’ve had 3 good friends in my life, 2 turned out to be backstabbing ***holes who were just using me and the other killed himself. I’ve had a few girlfriends but i didn’t love any of them, I’ve actually never loved anyone, not even family, and that really disturbs me. I’ve had one person in my life that actually cared about me and tried to look out for me, my cousin, and he died of a heroin overdose exactly 3 years ago. He was addicted to heroin but he was still a good person and he looked out for me, he tried to make sure that I would never make the same mistakes as him, honestly that’s the only thing stopping me from turning to drugs, i know my cousin would be crushed. last year i spent 2 months in juvie because my mom called the cops and said that i threatened to kill her even though i could never threaten to kill someone, and then told me that i got what i had coming because i did bad in school even tho i tried my hardest i just could never concentrate on anything longer then 2 minutes. I’ve been like that my whole life and when i was going to school it made my life hell because of all the trouble i’d get in at home for failing classes. there were a few years in my life where i was really bad with my mom, constantly flipping out and cussing her out, I finally got it under controll last year but she still constantly throws it in my face and acts like I’m a horrible person even though i hated myself after every fight i got in with her. I’ve had a couple therapist, and I’ve been in an anxiety counselling group and idk why but i could never tell them about wanting to kill myself and cutting, i really couldn’t tell them any of my problems, I always feel like an ***hole when i complain about my life because there are sooo many people out there that have it so much worse then me. Sorry for all of the typing i know that no one wants to real all of that, i just got in sordove a trance when i started typing and couldn’t stop, half of those were suppressed memories i didn’t remember until i started typing, that’s why all of the events i put are in a completely random order
Best answer:
Answer by ~Kay~
I didn’t even feel like reading your novel.. But by the length of your essay, yes you should be worried!
Add your own answer in the comments!
You’re detached as a coping mechanism, which is why you don’t feel any of the normal pain attached to these tragedies.
Try finding a pass-time to channel this into. You have feelings, you just have to let them out in a more positive way than cutting. You said that writing this put you in a sort of trance where you remembered? Try writing. Keep a journal. Actually, it doesn’t even matter if you keep it, just that you write it. Or you could draw, or build things. Vent, just not in a way that hurts you.
seek help my friend u need it. no offense. u just need it
get ready for a long asnwer. when i type i also go into the zone thing. wow, i was really depressed tonight like crying and everyting, but reading ur thing, heck i stopped mid-tear. i sure hope noone out there has got it worse than u. sorry, prob not what u need to here now but still. who u living with now? ya counselors can have that clam effect on you. theyr tooo helpful. listen about killing urself, if u think the world will become a better place, go for it, not that ull ever know, heh heh. but, seriously, its soo bad now, howevs, how can dying make things better? it won’t itll just make things END. but u can fix it. whatever IT is. idk. im rambling. just. i don’t know. don’t u wish u could buy sum emotions on ebay? or, hey, take sum of mine, ive overdosed. as for ur cutting urself, well if that dont bring emotion idk wat does. ya, sorry but u sound like u need serious help, and i woudl be very worried if i were u. try to get adults involved, ppl who care. u prob dont wanna end up like ur dad or dick stepdad, why continue the circle? get out of this $#!T while u can. turn ur life around. easier said than done. try running every day. lol but makes u want to live, get that high, i luv it. helps u appreciate the world.and basically ya, just try to change so u dont end up inflicting this thing on some other poor kid. good luck!
well you sound like a nice person but just in a bad enviroment. you have a troublesome family and the people you’ve met aren’t positive. i don’t know the source of why you don’t feel anything but killing yourself isn’t the answer. if you can’t do well in school then you should find something that you want to do for a living, something that doesn’t require education like fixing cars, becoming a chef, etc. don’t give up
nothings wrong.uve gone through a lot,uve got used to it and so u dont quiet feel